Those dreaded useless words I hear uttered frequently by everyone ranging from my 14 year old cousin to my pot-head friends of yesteryear to my lovely lass wife. Yes, she doesn’t want to watch Netflix or some other movie for yet ANOTHER night, but finances are tight as I’m the only one working for the man right now.
We aren’t just bored. We go to bed expecting tomorrow to be exhausing, unfuffiling, and frustrating knowing nothing worthwhile will be accomplished. Stuck in a trance-like state, we’re going through the motions, even when lazy and lounging around. Yes, we are tired from caring for an infant, and my pregnant again wife is always exhausted, but still it’s not supposed to be like this.
An endurance in the fulfillment and contentment in what we’ve accomplished as a family – in a short time. Our phones and Netflix are just a distraction in our attempt to relax and ignore reality for the moment because it’s too painful. Idle hands really are the devils workshop. Of course there is some context.
I’m an asshole to myself and in my leadership role. Hunkering down each night in the living room to watch da Netflix and waste time informing myself via the news, twitter, and the blogosphere isn’t because I desperately desire it, but rather because money is tight and our infant son needs to be in his crib. It’s a convenient and even truthful excuse
Even with it being a valid excuse, I KNOW I need to get us off TV at night time and toward something productive so we aren’t “bored”. Between getting fat and gaining 20 damn pounds over these two pregnancies and working a sedentary call center gig, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. Exercise, I need you.
Yes, I should be taking us on fun adventures with plenty of walking that you see in da movies, but can we really take a 9 month old infant out on a stroll at 10 PM in 20 degree weather regardless of how well bundled up he is?
Take into account the meth addicts that seem to be prowling the streets and parks and the possible excitement we might encounter goes against our parental instincts. When you become parents, you have to be far more responsible then you actually may want to be in your struggle against . The delayed maturity that men in particular deal with hits hard and fast – or at least it should when you become a father.
We remain hunkered inside our bunker, trying to get our minds off life watching movies, still bored, and my wife still stressed though her pregnancy. (A recipe ripe for producing arguments between couples.)
Ideally, I’d love to go out, grab some food, feel cool, splurge the cash, and not worry about spending money for once. Showing off our 9 month old son to everyone at that establishment makes us feel like we’ve done – or rather made someone worthy of plenty of gazing.
True story, as every time we take him out, women drool and gush over how cute he is. Yes, he is very cute.
However, when we go out, is it a useful investment of our time? Who are we hanging out with? Will sharing time with them build us up?
Going out makes us feel like we are taking a break from our mundane lives living in a place we shouldn’t even be. It’s why us millennial blow so much damn money on food when we should be saving it for that house that won’t be coming from a job that won’t we be getting because of our useless degrees. Forgetting about life for that moment really is key.
For my pregnant wife, it takes some of the stress off. Otherwise, it’s back to our dinky apartment where I will get yelled at for something all stemming back from boredom. First we loved this apartment, as it was a place of our own.
Now it just reminds us of bad decisions, filthy and thieving neighbors, and all the food places around us which we shouldn’t spend money because we need to be responsible for once and save some of it.
Are They Really Down On Their Luck?
Hell, at least when we do blow dat money, it’s not on meth like much of the surrounding “homeless” population seems to do. In fact, these “homeless” folks often walk a mile down the road to their truck, throw that cardboard sign “Homeless and Hungry” into the back and drive on off.
I’m sure their plight is as bad as they want us to believe, but you’d think they’d make it obvious by dressing worse instead of like they just went shopping at the mall. Panhandling is the way of the future.
Just the other day I was approached by some guy who asked me if I had change for the bus. Immediately I was annoyed, irritated, and actually tired. Where I’m from in Illinois, people beg for “change for the bus” all the damn time only to spend it on booze, cigs, drugs, or other fleeting pleasures.
Frankly, it pisses me off because unless I personally know them or someone I respect vouches for them, I can assume they are trying to shake me down like I’m some kind of hipster white costal elite type who is plagued by guilt and a trust fund who needs his good deed for the day.
Telling this guy I knew what he was up to, he still held frame. So I decided to give him a 1$. He then went straight into Walgreens to buy his bus ticket I’m sure. Add getting that buck out of me to his wall of accomplishments. What a waste of time.
Currently where I live, there is a horrible meth problem – one of the worst in the nation – as well as “homeless” people everywhere. Sorting through the actual victims vs the pretenders makes me a jaded man. I promise I’m going somewhere with this post.
Looking In A Cracked Mirror
However, it’s made do some soul searching. Me and my wife have gotten food from the local church pantry here. Did someone else need it more? Yes we have 100$ left in our bank account, but we did do frivolous spending prior.
Taking her out multiple times for dinner, buying her a maternity coat for the winter that actually fits, and getting us numerous other things at Walmart that while we could utilize, we didn’t absolutely need has got me thinking.
If I’m honest, I need to wonder if we are abusing the local safety nets – even slightly. Yes, it’s just me working and I can barely pay all the bills sometimes. Hell, we were down to 2$ in our bank account for about three days to get us through to pay day.
On the other hand, baby food is expensive, as is formula, clothes, etc. Wages aren’t great and the cost of living still isn’t low enough to really save any money on one income with one infant and another on the way. Is this all included in the thought process when charitable places don’t have a problem giving us food, aid, and help?
I’ve seen people with a far worse plight then my own; families literally on the street outside my apartment complex. I have a smart phone, wifi at my apartment, and we only have to pay the electric bill when it comes to utilities. Sometimes I’ll even have around 150$ something left over after bills to get us through to the next check. Our two door car is in good shape, and while small, it get’s us where we need to go with no car payment. Yes, it could be much worse.
The admirable American dream is still currently out of reach for me. My wife is planning on getting a nursing gig here and seeing if they will pay for part of med school, but nothing is assured.
Our families have been very helpful. My parents have bought us diapers, formula, and even shipped some non perishables to our house. Our relatives have all given us some money. My wife’s grandmother who loves us dearly has sent plenty of cash our way when times have been dire.
Essentially, we are blessed. We just keep forgetting because there is plenty of time on our hands stuck inside our apartment to ponder on what hasn’t gone our way yet.
So shouldn’t I render the same to the discarded rubbish on the street nearby? I want to, but I’m not entirely sure who really needs help and who is just pretending. Then again, that thought goes through my head – are we pretenders as well?
We aren’t standing out with signs, but we have gotten help. Did people think we were worse off then we were? Surely, I hope we have not misled anyone.
Crawling Toward The Endzone
Even with self-reflection, it’s hard to be content and grateful for what we have because we aren’t anywhere close to reaching our goals and living our dreams. Then again, even if we do, what then? Will we have a similar trance state of life, just with less worry, wondering what then shall we do?
“Ease and relaxation are wonderful. But they are not goals. They are temporary, transitory conditions of the spirit.” – Quintus C
My wife isn’t thinking about how lucky we are to have a car – she’s thinking about how she’s pregnant again, unable to go to school and/or work, how finances are tight, and how much we miss our friends and family. This in spite of how much we’ve actually accomplished this far together. Why the sense of not just failed dreams, but of a lack of fulfillment in the one’s we have lived?
We need a mindset shift. In a post about the struggles of life, Quintus Curtius talks about the “Endzone” and about how we create goals for ourselves and yet still feel unaccomplished.
“We must never allow ourselves to feel broken, defeated, debilitated, or beaten by life. I will not allow this. I will not permit this disease of defeatism in my life. Will not. Ever.”
Boredom and that trance like state spiral toward feelings of despair and failure before driving us toward any other kind of reality – Netflix for example – to take our minds off it instead of actually fixing it. Eventually, it seeps through our diversion shields and breaks them.
When we falter toward the above, boredom and distraction from it lead to that feeling of being beaten up by life lying down and reaching in vain for that fresh green endzone.
I’m not even in the endzone – I’m struggling within 80 yards of it, on my hands and knees dragging my burdens along. But life is just that – a constant struggle to the day we die trying to arrive. This is no cause for despondency and acceptance of vanity however.
Through the struggles in life is where we make and leave our mark. Our character is refined in the furnaces of life and reputations are forged. Obstacles are overcome and foundations set. Stories are born and tales of your golden days are told to your grandchildren gathered around you.
You just can’t see it yet.
“But this does not mean that life is an endless sequence of gloom and doom, of conflict on top of conflict, signifying nothing. No, far from it. It only means that life is for the living. Life is for the stout of heart. For the coeurs de leon.” – Quintus Curtius
What happens to your old hobbies? They vanish as you and your spouse both envision strangling each other – but don’t.
The above picture is of my wife in her natural habitat – the bath. To pacify her in this time of emotional tyranny, I gave her ice cream and let her chow down right out of the container. I even promised not to make fun of her for it – a promise I’ve somewhat kept. She even had her phone to scroll through Facebook.
I used this precious and rare time to play my current favorite game – Fallout 4 – modded because I have joined the PC master race. Kid in a candystore, but this was one of my final pieces.
Welcome to marriage – pregnancy stage. Prepare yourself gentlemen.
My problem isn’t one that most men complain of – a lack of sex. We average sex twice a day. It’s my pride, the way our fights escalate, the hobbies I don’t want to give up, and the fact that I keep forgetting my wife is my wife – pregnant and not someone you can reason with. Speaking in generalities, women respond to emotions and men to logic – though I’m seeing alot more emotional men these days. I keep forgetting this.
Because I don’t want to be a complete loser, I’m trying to develop more productive hobbies – which does suck. I miss my video games, and I resent the amount of time I’ve been forced to give up playing them – regardless of how “mature” it makes me.
When I get home from work, I want to be lazy. I suppose now that I am a father with one son and another on the way, it is time to be responsible and look into new hobbies that my kids will share with me once they get a bit older.
That video game, I want to play it, without condemnation, nagging, or weird bouts of jealousy that I can drink alcohol and she can’t. To this end, I am in her crosshairs – if she can’t have fun, I can’t either. Now this is illogical, wrong, and plain out vicious, but that doesn’t matter. She’s pregnant and emotional.
My lovely nympho wife will nag me about productivity – which is escalated depending on how bad her pregnancy hormones are that day. Alas, it has me writing more. While I’ve sacrificed my prized video game time, my sex life is that of envy – we average twice a day with passionate bouts of love.
Today, I bring to you the subject of surviving your first year of marriage with a pregnant wife. If you are with a women who is pregnant, throw out everything you know about her before she decided to carry your offspring. Prepare for hell on emotional wheels of wrath.
Her raging, vicious, and unpredictable moodswings are now your problem. She may start crying randomly, and by the end of it taking swings at you because of her rantings about her parents or yours. I’m not even referring to the verbal wrath that you will incur in the process – that’s just a bonus. So what do you do?
You can’t reason with the beast. You can’t argue with it.
But you can pacify it. As a man, it’s one of the most important tools you can learn to use when you have a family.
Behold, I give to you my fellow men, a weapon with which to master her emotions in their raw and uncontrollable state (1); the manly, yet smooth, alluring, and sexual hug.
Now I’m a proud and stubborn man, and when my wife has either hit me or attacked me in the most vicious way with perfectly chosen words to inflict the most damage to my sanity, I don’t want to hug her. (In fact I want to hit her back after she’s hit me.) Again, muh pride.
Shockingly, I swore I would never allow a woman to do this to me. Yet as she is my wife and the mother of my children, my tolerance for BS has gone up – because I love her. Love changes things. It really does. I am a proponent of the manosphere, but my wife is my wife, not just another plate. (Also, dread game is a NO when your wife is pregnant, plus my wife is already very jealous and will beat up other women for looking at me wrong. )
I want to fight back with the nastiest words in my arsenal possible to make her feel the same anguish. “Hurts doesn’t it?”
Indeed it does, especially when she’s pregnant. Of course, she will remember those fights far into the future and berate you later with, “You said these terrible things to me when I was pregnant,” regardless of any words of war directed at you, the suffering father.
Women fight very well with words, a favor I can return. But should I? Should a pregnant women hear anything anything else that will make her emotions scream? Stress is also an issue and it can cause miscarriages. My pride though. It’s very angry and upset. It’s been unjustly wounded. Yet again, I swallow it, or at least I should.
Hug her tight – from behind and then move to the front. Slowly massage her shoulders and lower back. Get her calmed down. Physical touch will do what the most logical of words will not. Kiss her neck, suck on her earlobe a bit. Then notice what starts to happen. Her face changes.
Your other weapon (2) : Angry frustrated pent up sex.
When women are pregnant, their raging hormones need to be released. They are bottled up like a kid holding his breath. Sexist sounding or not, the truth is the truth. So take control of the situation and arouse your wife in the process.
Those raging hormones? Well, release them. Direct them toward the bed. Or couch. Or bathroom.
If your wife already has a high sex drive, pregnancy will GREATLY escalate it. So grab her pants, and drop them down. Get aggressive. Wrestle with her in that bed. Or on the floor. Your video games may suffer, but your sex life will rise to new hard peaks.
So many of our fights could have been de-escalated, but since I was mad at her from her either hitting me or trashing me, I didn’t want to have sex with her – I was too livid. I had too much pride. A simple hug and escalation to sex could have solved it.
I must admit, she’s even told me to hug her and hold her tight – and also to pull her pants down when we are fighting. In this, me and her are different. My anger at that moment, I must swallow. She doesn’t need words of logic about why she is being an unreasonable bitch -something she knows as well. She needs a hug and to be led to the bedroom.
Never underestimate the power of sex.
Learn from me, swallow your anger at that moment, and pound it out deep. Never has there been a more perfect time for a spanking in that love making. She will love you, and you will love her.
I wish you luck gentlemen.
Monday, April 18th, 2016 at 1:37 PM, my son Julius was born. His birth was the culmination and the reward for all of the various fights, strife, conflicts, and plain out stress that me and my pregnant wife had gone through leading up to that very moment. That said, I don’t think I was as nearly prepared for it as I thought I was. While fatherhood strikes whether you are ready for it or not, the process leading up to it can be both a joyous and tumultuous affair. Score one for my continued legacy and that evil Patriarchy with my sons birth though, as we are about to strengthen it’s ever growing resolve. (My wife already told me just the other day, “I’m ready for another one.”)
That said it’s still been stressful as my son couldn’t go home with us. He wasn’t breathing enough oxygen and had to be transferred to another hospital. My wife’s been there every day, sometimes for 12 hours a day, with me heading there the second I’ve gotten off work. Up until just a day ago, she couldn’t even hold him in our arms. As a new mother, it’s been killing her.
I can see the pain in her eyes, the stress in her movement, and the easy escalation of disagreements – though we’ve fought way less since he’s been born. My wife is young – almost 20 – and this is our first child, so we as new parents are still barely scratching the surface in just what it means to be parents. (If you’ve noticed, I try not to say my wife’s first or maiden name so certain assholes can’t target her or her future employers.)
Yes, married couples – especially newer ones fight way more than anyone want’s to admit.
Now, we hear alot about the taking the Red Pill and what it can do for a man. We know it can mean much more then just discovering the truth about feminism, social justice, and gender relation as Hawaiian Libertarian has pointed out. But what happens when you miss certain aspects of it, or dare I say, other “Red Pill” entirely?
Marriage isn’t something talked about nearly enough in whatever is left of the “manosphere”, though Roosh and many at ROK have made observations about about how men move past the player stage and what more from life and the worldview of Neo-Masculinity. When it is talked about often, it’s about how men should never get married and how you should only marry foreigners if you do.
That’s good and all, but those of us like myself who have not only gladly taken the risk, but are creating families from it, there might be a bit lacking in the RP advice department, especially on when your wife is pregnant. While game doesn’t end when you get married, but instead evolve, I often ask myself the following:
1. Am I being supportive enough?
2. Am I taking too much shit that I never would have taken before? Again, pregnancy is another aspect. Women use words as weapon very effectively, and my wife is no exception when she is stressed, in pain, has a baby kicking the inside of her, and is full of hormones. What is the appropriate course of action?
3. What should I take a stand on and what should I understand is merely a result of pregnancy? What disagreements should I compromise on or give 100% into her on. (Stress can cause miscarriages.) Did she mean any of the nasty things she just said in a fight after she apologized for them just an hour later?
4. What kind of game should be run vs what kind of game is even acceptable? Honesty is important, alas why my wife knows what my worldview is.
5. How should I resolve fights? I have my normal RP way of dealing with women, but my wife isn’t just a woman, she’s the mother of my son and is love of my life. Red-Pilled wisdom from older married men is something I wish I had way more of. Yes, I know of stuff like this, but it doesn’t go far enough.
In our young marriage, we’ve had some terrible fights, but they’ve ended pretty quickly. Sometimes I’ve put my foot down, and it does lead to more respect. The thing is I lack the necessary wisdom of when to use a gentle word to turn away wrath and when to be firm. My dad gave me a piece of wisdom in that hurtful words said early are bad for the early foundation of your marriage. No brainer, of course.
For the most part when my wife is on the verbal warpath, slashing me with her tomahawk of vicious words, I usually won’t say nasty things back; something I would do in return to anyone who wasn’t my family or my wife. I made a specific exception because she is my wife, and was pregnant. One time however, I did slip and I was so mad, I called her a piece of shit. Despite she had said far worse things to me during the car ride in which we were fighting, all of her nasty barbs didn’t matter. I was blown away.
Surprisingly in many way, Bill Burr was right:
Why was my wife acting like a teenager? Then it me; she’s 19. She still is a teenager. In fact, I’m her first real relationship. Her expectations and mine have been different on a few things. I want my alone time – she strongly objects to this sometime, the pregnancy being part of that. I often wondered, why does she say the nastiest shit when she’s angry?
(Sometimes whenever she is irked by my actions/words she will say in this disproving motherly tone, “Seriously?” It irks me even more and makes me want to say, “Yea, fucking seriously.” Then, I remember that I do indeed love her. I just wish there were more guys out there like AverageMarriedDad and TheFamilyAlpha who know what it’s like and have advice on how to have a successful happy marriage and a resulting healthy family. Too often, we get alot of marriage advice from men who aren’t actually married or are bitterly divorced and have a strong bias against it – somewhat understandably so.
Marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it. Yes, it like any other major life choice is a risk, but it’s a worthy one, despite the quality of good women in our generation, the courts, and a system rigged against men. Marriage is a risk, but what else in life isn’t a risk? Some of the best thing in life involve risk – whether that be in time investment, finances, relationships, etc. Don’t let your life be hindered by aversion to risk, simply decide what risks are really worth it. I do believe marriage is one -provided you find the right woman which definitely is worth it.
Holding your son for the first time is worth it. Oh and stopping fights as they happen with sex – which we do alot – is totally worth it. In fact, if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that if the fight is about to escalate, pull her pant’s down. Her words, not mine. Well, she was definitely right about that. (Also make-up sex and I’ve never had to beg for sex. Ever.)
I encourage men who aren’t sure about marriage to really look for a good woman. They are out there, though you won’t find them on Tinder, bars, etc. Are you looking hard enough? Are your glasses filtering out the good girls? Many of you say you want one, but do you really? When you marry young, you do face different challenges and you would be wise to ready yourself for them. Being good at being a man is hard work.
Do you want your legacy to continue? Do you want the pleasure of having your child gaze up at you and look deeply into your eyes? Do you want to statistically have far more sex as a married man than single men do – especially when you are young? Obviously don’t marry for just sex or even just love. Find the right woman. You don’t marry someone who is your soulmate. You marry someone who becomes your soulmate. Remember that dear Gentleman, and Godspeed to you.
P.S. For all future and current parents with young children, I highly suggest Quintus Curtius’ blog which will provide a foundation of classical themed education and insight that is so lacking these days. He is that Aristotle that you’re sons in particular need as their tutor as they delve into those famed classics.