Six Things I’ve Learned as a Husband and Father

Six Lessons Early On As A Husband and Father

You Will Need A Support Network

I can’t understate how important this is -especially when your kids are infants and need a lot of time.  Many families often relocate to where they can get work.   What’s crucial is finding a job where you have family or close friends available that can give you a leg to stand on in hard times, but can help babysit when you and your girl – in my case wife – desperately needs a break.

One or two people wont be enough. People get busy – often when you really need them – and you will need a wide network to ensure it doesn’t happen to you.  They say it takes a village to raise a child, and when you have two boys that are 10 months and 4 days apart, that couldn’t be truer.  Your family, her family, friends, everyone.    People we know have bought us diapers, clothes, even carseats and strollers.  Without that help, I don’t know what we would have done.

You want to avoid daycare at all possible costs, but to make ends meet these days, often both parents will have to work. It’s essential you have family, friends and GRANDPARENTS nearby who can babysit and help out.  If you aren’t able to have one parent remain at home with your kids, your family and close friends are far more nurturing and key to your kids success later in their lives than a daycare will ever be.

Lots of babysitting needed there.

With three months left of our lease, our babysitting situation and inability to get the support we needed caused us to uproot and move back to Illinois and in with some close friends of ours.  Now, with my parents nearby, my mom can give us babysitting whenver we need it.  This has been essential to both me and my wife getting work and being able to pay off what’s left on our lease back in Missouri.

Again, if you don’t get support, taking care of your kids in their infancy will become an exhausting burden, rather than a blessing and your marriage will be strained as a result.  Me and my wife have had plenty of small fights over problems created by exhaustion and the lack of people to help us out.

The fact my mom will babysit at any point means that I can finally take my wife. We can go to the Warped Tour and see her bands. A night out at the drive-in theater becomes a reality, instead of a fond memory.  We can never forget what brought us together in the first place.

Swallow Your Pride

Alpha this, alpha that. If you are an “Alpha”, you should have some pride and confidence in yourself and the decisions you make for you family.  However, when you screw up, don’t let your pride get the better of you.  If you can’t keep a promise, plans blow up, or you legitimately end up causing your wife grief – apologize.  Own it.   You are a man.

I must admit, I’m a stubborn prideful bastard.   So when I’m wrong, it’s hard to admit it.  Your wife will respect you if you are willing to admit and own your mistakes.  Key here is that you apologize when you screw up – not just apologize for her mistakes or to make her feel better. Only apologize when you do something wrong so it’s significant when you do.

Admit when you are wrong.

Just do it.   This one of the rare times, “Man up” should be said.  If you want your wife to apologize for the mistakes she does – and not blame you for them, you will have to lead by example.  I absolutely suck at this, but lately I’ve been trying to own any actual mistakes I make.    When it comes to raising my sons, this will be key.   They will look at my example and see if I do what I preach.

Now this doesn’t mean that you should roll-over.  (My wife even admitted she’s glad I don’t do everything she says or wants.)  If you have to battle, pick your battles and stand your ground when needed.

Manage Your Time

It’s so easy to be lazy and not make use of your rare downtime. I get it, but when things are tight and time is of the essence, do something useful and productive.  I love my video games, but the demands and needs of young sons come first.   This means keeping on top of giving them baths, getting them fed, changing them, and watching my oldest as he scurries around trying to touch and grab everything. 14 months is indeed an active age.

For instance, I want my wife to be satisfied with cheap easy to make food – which she usually isn’t.  To make it easier, I’ll have to spice it up, do the small things, and actually learn more about cooking. ( I work from home.)   I’ll also need to do whatever cleaning and stuff needs to be done.

In fact, there was a faucet that had to be replaced.  I had to get some extensions for the water supply valves to reach the faucet ends, but I took forever to get around to it because I was lazy.   We needed that faucet ready to go. I finally did it, but far later than I should have.

Luckily with that SUPPORT NETWORK that I mentioned earlier, time is a bit easier to manage when they boys are being taken care of by my mom and I’m able to get whatever I need to done around the house that me and my wife are staying.

Me and my wife have sex every single day.  That’s no accident. We ENSURE we have the time – that and my wife demands it with her high drive.  No matter what happens that day, we MAKE time.   If you really value something, you can and will do the same without excuses.   This also means that I have to stop making excuses for not getting things done that I should.

Laugh, Love, Live

These are great slogans, but people are usually either too busy or self absorbed with life to actually participate in these.  A great support network will help enable you to actually live life.    The house me, my wife, and the boys currently live at is the home of my best friends parents who are like my second parents.  It’s very similar to living in a multi-generational house and the benefits are immense and tremendous.

We actually talk to each other over food.  Laughter, great stories, and that noise of “happiness” can be heard constantly.   We are never “Bored”, unlike so many people.  There’s always something going and someone to hang out with.  Great conversations occur. Often friends and grandparents are over. Board games, bonfires, barbecues outside are staples of our lives. Beer taste better when you are enjoying it with people you love.  Having a Wii with Mario Party and Brawl is suddenly a phenomenal thing.   We are our own Brady Bunch.

My best friend’s family had four kids and my best friend and his wife have a 3 month old son.  (I’d like to think we inspired them to get going) We are going through almost the same stage of life. The naive dream of me and my best friend hanging out with our wives and raising kids is actually happening.  I feel like I’m living my own version of Second Hand Lions.   It fills me with joy everyday and makes me look forward to waking every morning.

All this makes it easier to raise our two boys with the love, help, and input that my best friends family gives us. I’m constantly learning new things as a dad because of it and me and my wife fight MUCH less than when we lived on our own in Missouri.

One interesting realization is that there’s other people who can hear those fights, so we have to mediate our differences calmly and quickly.  It prevents arguments from blowing up into nasty fights and has allowed us to get needed space and conversation with others in the house to take our minds off it.

Regarding that love part; the daily sex that I mentioned earlier helps resolve those fights and constantly bond us together to overcome if either of us have had a bad day, her emotions are at a low, or just our libido is going crazy.  It also boosts her confidence in herself and her body – very necessary after having two kids back to back.

When my wife’s particularly cranky,  she’s mentioned how she has a stick up her ass and that she needs sex to get rid of it.  Sure enough, it works every time.  Never forget that little fact when you wonder why she’s mad at you for no reason and you can’t logic at all with her.

Do The Small Things

1. We can be great at having the big picture in mind, but it’s the small details and living of our daily lives that makes all of that happen.   It’s those small conversations, memories, and emotions that shape our futures.  It’s easy to let the days blend together until you can’t remember what you did last Thursday.

Do something small each day to make it different.  Tell you wife you appreciate what she does.  Make her a small gift, come up with a quick movie list, and tell her you have a surprise for her – just don’t tell her what it is to the last minute. Never let that spark of romance get lost in the gritty routine of life. Make a date night each week.

2. Plenty of fights me and my wife have gone through were often because she wasn’t feeling “loved”. Every time it comes up, I think to myself, “Seriously?”  Simple stuff like saying, “I love you” in the morning, a kiss when she wakes up, a sincere compliment here and there. If she’s looking really good during a moment of the day, TELL HER SO.  You’d think that she knows you already love her and think she’s beautiful, but she needs to be reminded of it.  She needs your validation and appreciation.

Go beyond her outward beauty and look to her as a whole. It’s easy to see what your spouse does wrong – especially during arguments, but you often forget to compliment and appreciate what she does right.  She needs to know everyday that she is making you happy and that she is worth it.  Appreciate your wife for the great mother that she is and that the effort she puts in everyday.

You can do it

So many men have become jaded and believe that marriage isn’t worth it and fear losing any kids they do have to divorce and eventual child support via a vicious ex.   The risks are there, but the rewards of choosing a life you want to live are there as well.

I don’t make much money.  Neither does my wife.  But with that support I keep shouting about, anything is possible. You don’t have to be financially “stable” – most of us won’t be for years to come – and in your late 30s till you can get married and even think about kids.   Against the current grain, I would advise getting married young and having kids.

It’s far easier to deal with the responsibilities of kids when you are young, then when you are in your 40s and your back is killing you. You also enjoy the wife of your youth in your prime when you are full of energy, hope, and that “spark” that seems to fade as people age.

That essential support network can let you live a life worth living.  Be your own man and if a family is what you desire, don’t look back.  Keep striving forward.  Even though I’m new at being a dad, my boys already have an advantage – they will grow up with a father who loves them, will lead by example, and will always be there.

 

 

 

Never Denounce Your Friends – Stand By Them

Friendship is like standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it’s to leave, and you can never go without leaving your footprints behind.” – Unknown

Beginning Your Quest

“Stand By Me” is what crosses my shitlord mind when I think about the ultimate meaning of the word “friend”.   Hopefully something of similar aspiration and brilliance crosses your mind as you agonize late into the night about your lack of instagram followers, likes, and retweets.

The 1986 classic is a tale of boys who bond while on the adventure of their lives – to find a dead body first. A dead body was the goal of their quest, but the story of their lives is related by how they got there.   Their story, retold by our venerable writer, is what we all desire deep down at our frothy cores.

Even more important, it makes their quest worthy of completion, instead of merely just beginning.  Think about the movie Sandlot and Scotty’s quest to make friends.  Their adventure expands and culminates in getting that baseball back.  Scotty didn’t know it yet, but the neighborhood kids became his family and the quest he began with became something grand – and a classic in American cinema.

Every man needs his quest. He might not know it yet, but ever man at his core has a quest in mind for his life.  Myth, legend, history, and memorable fiction is filed with the larger-than-life stories of Achilles, Caesar, Genghis, Harry Dresden, and Huck Finn for a reason.

Real friends” make that quest worth undertaking, as well as make the quest into what we never imagined. Experiences and encounters with friends shape the stories to be told to our grandchildren. Chunk was essential to the group in the Goonies just as Huck Finn was impossible without Tom Sawyer.

Tom and Huck

They also shape what our quests become and give you those “life is worth living” feelings that everyone want of us wants.   You may start off in the Shire, but the way to Mordor is packed with many different stops.

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Before I go any further, let me shout something at the rest of you, “STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WILL THINK!”   When you don’t shift with the wind and popular opinion and consensus to “fit in”, the friends you will attract will be a of a high caliber and more likely to be TRUE actual friends.

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Friends should be thicker than water. Crazy stunts on your bikes, nerding out laughing and gaming on xbox late into the night, and enjoying a pickup game of baseball created a bond that you didn’t easily forget.

I still haven’t forgotten me and my best friend Tim bingewatching anime late into the night while slamming mountain dew.  A decade later, we had switched to bud light.  Conversations late into the night about plans for the future were the norm.    (Think “Second-Hand Lions“)

Yea, I know, “Nerrrddssssss!”

Friendship was a bond between people that extended beyond the normal worries of life.  Bonds weren’t necessarily established because you both held up similar signs at a protest, but because  you had been through thick and thin together.

You legitimately had not just commonality, but a sense of enjoyment and purpose in the company of someone you considered a friend.   Speak friend, and enter.   (We all need our Sam, Frodo, and Gandalf in Moria.)

Unfriended

In these dark times, we force the term “friend” to also mean comrade, ally, etc.   Obviously, you can be a friend, but not necessarily an ally willing to hopscotch onto those landmines.  Well, this used to be the case.

That distinction matters because everyone assumes that you have the same exact views as your friend – or that you should. Become the hivemind.  You are identical symbiotic cells according to Facebook feeds.

The current political sphere entails that while you may be a gay Asian lesbian who voted Trump, you are still apparently a Nazi who hates humanity. You are either in the camp getting gassed, or you are the one’s laughing maniacally as you usher the Zyklon B into the shower vents.

Either a deplorable Nazi bastard, or a trans black disabled two-spirit.  This thinking has done wonders for those shallow people whose lives depend on political schadenfreude for purpose.

Believe it or not; Trump being the devil or the messiah, the ethics of trannies in the girls bathroom, and whether God exists are great conversations while in a drunken stupor that won’t be uploaded to Facebook.    When amongst friends, disagreement/agreement shouldn’t matter.

Why?

Agreement and disagreement aren’t what drives your friendship.  If they do, you have many like minded acquaintances, but likely no real friends who will stand by you.  A rather unsettling thought.   So what does a friend look like?

Do you know someone with  the history, proximity, life-goals, to some extent common-cause, and shared experiences/ stories that you want to tell your grandchildren?   How about that feeling of purpose, fulfillment, and sense of belonging?

Did you think to yourself, “I’d love to grow old with this guy?”  Were they always at your back in the thick of life with you? Did they stand by you in times of strife when everyone trashed you? Was there couch always available when you needed it and their ear open when life had you bent over?  If so,  that’s a real friend – and they don’t make em like they used to.

Friendly Heretics

Go back to the year 1000 and gaze upon a man who was excommunicated.  Modern self -loathing Christendom hate aside, the heretic was often avoided by the community and usually dead to his family.   At that time, it was essentially a death sentence.

Despite our scorn of those bigoted terrible Christians as we beat on our enlightened snobby chests about how awesome we are ,we’ve actually brought that same mentality back.  This time it only dooms you to bad jobs, little opportunity, and scorn from your elite educated betters who’ve studied long and hard for their liberal arts degree.

If you are one of the lucky converts, you’ll be seen as a sinner who needs an extended time of penance in the mines of ally activism to repent for your sins of privilege. You filthy white devil you.  Prostrate and repent – but make sure to donate.  Forgiveness isn’t cheap.

Huh?

What the hell happened?

The culture wars in their meme and social media glory have fooled people into a shallow sense of friendship.   Sure, you both may like Bernie Sanders, spam his memes on Faceberg,  support #BlackLivesMatter, and denounce bigotry in the movies, but will Joe have your back when push comes to shove?

Will they stand by you? Surely he knows you are a good person at heart, just misunderstood in the shouts for your burning at the stake – but will he voice it in fear for his own hide? You better damn hope so Solo.

The casualties of heresy aren’t necessarily just the one’s you see on the front page of Drudge, but on your social feed as they defriend and block all trespassers of wrongthink.  Surely they can’t be seen to have such deplorable friends. After all, what would people think?

Peer pressure makes for likes on Facebook, but will any of those people drive out of their way to pick you up in the middle of nowhere? Will your “friend” have time for you when you actually need it? True friends are indeed rare.

Will he denounce you to the other virtue signal despondent deviants desperate for Faecbook likes and acceptance because you didn’t support #BlackLivesMatter loud enough, check your privilege, or didn’t prostrate yourself low enough for that offensive joke?

Stand By Me

Rest assured that if I call you a  friend, I’ll always have your back when the storms rage.  It’s exactly why I’ll never denounce men like Forney, Roosh, Aurini, Quintus, etc no matter how many people recoil in horror because they deem their perspectives deplorable.  Guilt by association is nonsense and anyone who appeals to it should be disregarded.

Even more so for the close friends I’ve known for the better part of my life.  When told that it makes me look like I share their reprehensible heresies, my response is simple and emphatic:“I don’t care.”

Be honest with yourself; the shrieking wolves of Twitter will always assume that friendship equates to a cult like hive mind of absolute agreement. Their goal is isolation of their targets.  When they’ve finished, they will still come for you next.

Consider closely who you want to be in this short life. You are never guaranteed tomorrow.  Sure, plan for the future, but exactly what future?  In fact what would your friends and family say around your gravestone?  Deep down, we want a future filled with people, family, and FRIENDS, which make it worth living.

Even if I don’t agree with someone or their supposed racist, sexist, misogynist bigoted uttering – of which I am accused of frequently –  they are still my friend no matter what they have or will say.

That’s what true friends do. Your friendship transcends the frequent winds of “change” on the “right side of history.” The right damn side of history is by their side, and they by you.

History won’t fondly remember the con artists who appeal to the moral authority of the majority to scold those who aren’t on the “right side of history” – if it remembers them at all.  Face it, history won’t remember virtually any of us, but good friends make our short lives worth getting up in the morning to go to that job we hate to feed our families.

My best friend may be very liberal, but he’s welcome in my home at any point, and I in his. The trust we’ve built over the last 20 years can’t be shaken.  Our kids will play together, and our wives worthy of defending regardless the reason.

A word of warning to those who think long-term friends can be replaced:  Those who throw their friends away – especially over politics – will be treated with contempt by their newfound like-minded revolutionary comrades, because none of us at heart will ever be truly radical enough.

“Betrayal” no matter how you want to dress it up is not invisible to new bedfellows.   Trust will never be built, and thus loyalty will never follow, as they assume you will do the same to them at some point.  So goes the common cause.

No matter how much faithful zeal you may have for social justice you will tire, even just slightly of being beaten for your privilege while living paycheck to paycheck – cis straight white males in particular.   It is then you will be chastised and exorcised for your lack of allyship.

Meanwhile your best hope is that the friends and family you shunned know well the parable of the prodigal son. You will know them to be true friends and family when they welcome you back with open arms and no demands to get on your knees and beg for sweet forgiveness.

That is what marks a true friend. Value them above all else.

The Day I Realized My “Fight Or Flight” Instincts Were Lacking

A few weeks back, I attended the rather family friendly music and entertainment fest known as “Summerfest” in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.   Me, my best friend Tim, and one of our other friends Bill all drove up together to “enjoy” the fest and the insane price of beer which averages 8$ for a splendid cup of piss-water domestics such as Miller Lite.  We had several hours to kill before we would see “A Day To Remember” and “Linkin Park”

Before A Day To Remember started, a rather terrible band by the name of “PLP MVR” began to play – my guess is that they won a contest to open up for what was rather a large crowd in the Marcus Amphitheater on the summerfest grounds.

Me, Tim, Bill and several other people all joined in making pointed jabs at how bad the band was.  I overheard one guy near us remark, “This is like a bad trip from shrooms without the shrooms.”  He was of course quite correct.   The band was literally dressed up in costumes that resembled “furries” and the drummer looked like Barf from Mel Brooks classic parody, “Spaceballs.”

This band opened and it was terrible.

Posted by Lucas Temple on Saturday, July 25, 2015

To say the band was out of place in light of the aggressive music that the crowd was there for – A Day To Remember has screaming, breakdowns, ect in their music – is an understatement.

Chester from Linkin Park can still scream quite well.This was from summerfest when me, Bill Punman, and Tim Sheridan saw them

Posted by Lucas Temple on Thursday, July 23, 2015

Now this is necessary to disclose:  if I’m honest, I have a loud mouth, am outspoken, and sarcastic.

No, this isn’t a bad thing, and I fully embrace this part of my personality and utilize it – it gets me laid. Unbeknownst to me, a large and fat tall man about two benches down was fuming and I didn’t see the steam pouring from his ears.

Instantly a giant of a man – about 6.2 or 6.3 was out of his seat in what seemed to be slow motion and suddenly was winding up his fist to take a swing in my direction. My best friend Tim managed to put himself in between the beast – who was at least two times my size – and myself.   I’m lucky, because I frozen.  No warning, nothing.  He hadn’t said anything to me or Tim and Bill, so there had been no indication that he was angry.

I froze like a piece of ice in -30 degree weather.

I would have taken several punches before my instincts of getting away would have kicked in.  (More on that later. It was then and there, I decided I was going to have to de-escalate the situation and it meant that I was going to have to essentially beg for mercy. I did.

“I’m sorry man, you’re right, you are right!!!

“You are Right!”

I pumped this phrase out multiple times in under a minute and it seemed to get him to back down after the first initial, “You little punk ass bitch.”   (Note that’s all I remember of the insults he managed to spew. That and something about beating my ass.)  Somehow, I was consciously aware that I didn’t want my best friend taking punches to the face for me, nor for our other friend Bill right besides me to have the same happen to him.

Note, this is basic placation on my part and you’d be surprised how many people’s ego you can stroke and in the meantime the bombs you can defuse by uttering the phrase, “You are right”.     On some sub-conscious level, hearing that from a perceived opponent makes us feel victorious.

If you don’t already know, I’m one of those “lover not a fighter” types.  Also, remember, this guy is at least twice my size.

Yea, he's alot bigger then me.
Yea, he’s alot bigger then me.

When situations have gotten “dangerous”, I’ve always been able to evade possible brutes by the fact that I’m simply much faster, nimbler,  quicker, and in better shape in my 5 foot 7 body. Luckily, I have more aggressive physical friends who are willing to get in trouble with the law to fight off guys they consider to be picking on me;  someone who is usually “not my size.”    Note, those specific friends WERE NOT THERE.

My pride was somewhat thrashed, but my face was intact. That’s actually a big deal, because my face is my moneymaker and what has allowed me to land girls with my game still needing plenty of work.

Minutes later, the thought continued to roar through my head…

Why didn’t I quickly bounce off my seat and dart away?

I’m fast, quick, and agile. I pride myself on it.

Why I had been frozen stiff like a piece of cardboard?

The amphitheater benches around us had plenty of room for me to jump off my seat and simply jump step from one bench to another and eventually down to security in the lower deck area and the various police on duty for the event.

Now in my defense, I really wanted to see both of these bands – specifically Linkin Park who I had never experienced live.  I didn’t want to take a chance in us getting kicked out and I prefer to avoid contact with the police whenever possible.  (Insert my half middle-eastern identity politics card right here.)  I now believe I showed the proper discretion in apologizing profusely and preventing an actual all out brawl between this guy and the three of us.

Chances are, we would have all been kicked out and it would have been my fault considering it was my loud mouth that essentially kickstarted the entire debacle.   The price of the tickets, gas, ect would not have been the only issue, but taking off work, and finding another time and date the bands were coming through would have caused me to hurt the night my friends had anxiously anticipated for weeks now..

Later the next day, I mentioned this experience to Tim’s cousin Justin who is also both of our best friends; the three of us are like brothers.  (All three of us have known each other for over 15 years as well as having lived together.)

(1) Justin mentioned that he can remember at least one time, I essentially dissed some girl – easier to do then you realize – in a bar and two of her male friends were about to white knight and beat the shit out of me.  Again, luckily for me Justin and two of his more physical friends were there who have a reputation in the town and those two white knights backed down.  (2) In fact,  I can recall another time where a friend of mine mentioned that my loud mouth at a bar was attracting the attention of at least one guy who looked like he wanted to fight me.  He pointed this out later that night, and I was again completely oblivious to it.

Confession: I haven’t been in a physical fight since first grade.  I was THAT sheltered.  Or if you look at court costs, tickets, and fines these days perhaps I was that wise and mature.  Either way, I don’t know how to defend myself besides “legging” it.

Lacking “Flight or Fight” Instincts

This all caused me to realize I have a glaring deficiency; I dont have strong instincts.   I didn’t see that guy coming at all, nor was I aware of the white knights who were looking to beat my ass.

What happens if my friends aren’t there one of these times?  I’m a rather outspoken person when conversations occur, and at some point, it will land me in trouble, because I won’t back down from what I say, I’ll just hightail it away.  Now, while I’ve shot some firearms and I fervently watch the UFC, I have no real idea how to throw a proper punch or how to defend myself, so I count on my quickness and speed to get myself out of dangerous situations.   In this case none of that matter; I was essentially blindsided and oblivious to him until his fist was raised and I noticed Tim was in front of me.  I was frozen stiff and only was then suddenly registering what was about to happen. .

What use is my speed and quickness to avoid punches if I wasn’t able to see them coming?  Take note that the guy was (1) two benches down from me  (2) had to climb up towards me (3) at his easily bulging 350+ pounds he was probably much slower then me considering just how obese he was.

It took this experience to show me this and it’s one I won’t forget anytime soon.  Any man should know how to defend himself and have the instincts to do it – especially considering that I want a wife and kids – so I better know and be able to protect them.

So how do I develop these instincts?

There really aren’t alot of good answers out there and I wasn’t able to find much in the manosphere either – with the exception of “The Warrior Gene – Is Alpha Genetic?” via TheRationalMale – so I’m not entirely sure.  Mike Cernovich at Danger & Play however has an insightful series about, How Survive A Street Fight Part 1 and  Part 2 if I ever found myself in a fight.

A quick google search with “Fight or Flight Instinct” and a mixture of other search terms gave me helpful hits like this that are about stress, rather then actual physical altercations. (1), “What Women Can Teach You About Real Strength” and the subtitle was, “Play Down the Fight-or-Flight Instinct”.  (2) “”Fight Or Flight ” Theory Debunked: Stress Makes Men More Sociable and Cooperative”.   Yes, you read that right.  (3)  They tried and failed at answering this over at the GoodMangina project, “In the Face of Stress, Do Men Always “Fight or Flight”?

As one astute commenter pointed out, “Isn’t fight-or-flight the accepted response to danger to one’s physical wellbeing? In the case of being surprised by a angry boar or a potential mugger, I’m not sure “tend-or-befriend” are a valid fundamental dichotomy.”   I faced a walking fat bear, and I was definitely surprised.

(4) Pyschology Today suggested in “Is Our Survival Instinct Failing Us?” that the instinct doesn’t even work well in modern warfare and again dealt with “stress.” (5)  Calm Clinic again addressed stress, but emphasized exercise as a way to cope with anxiety.   It did however bring up the point that we face a “lack of dangers”, which perhaps suggest that this is an issue of training.

Quintus Curtius in his masterful book,  Thirty Seven: Essays On Life, Wisdom, And Masculinity”,  addresses the idea of training and education for young men in chapter seven of the book by drawing on Italian humanist and literal Renaissance man, Pier Paolo Vergerio, for inspiration.   Quintus sums up Vergerio’s points regarding the issue of training and education with 27 points, three of which are pertinent to what happened to me.

11. The finest studies for leadership are those based on arms (military) and letters (history, philosophy, languages, and rhetoric). Everyone wants to be learned in old age, but to achieve this one must start early and exert “zealous effort.” Being learned in letters and arms will provide a remedy against “sloth” and solace in the face of worry and stress.

16. The training of the body is of paramount importance. It should be conditioned from a young age for rigorous service, military ability, and endurance. Young men should be hardened from a young age to endure pain and discomfort of all sorts , so that they are not broken by the strains of life and struggle. They should also be taught to “dare great things.” The Cretans and Spartans valued hunting, running, wrestling, and jumping, and sought ways to train themselves to endure hunger, thirst, cold, and heat. Luxuries weaken the mind and body.

19. Since battle tactics are constantly changing, a forward thinking youth will attempt to master the martial arts and self-defense arts of his day. This should include mastery of weaponry, personal combat skills , horsemanship, and movement over rugged terrain carrying heavy loads or equipment. There are many different kinds of combat. “For things are done one way in a melee; another when the decision rests on a battle formation; another when there is an infantry charge, and another when combat takes the form of a duel.”

Unfortunately, I was never taught martial arts, tactics, or any training of the body.  I won’t make the same mistake with my kids however.

Why Living Like A Villain Is Shallow

The False Allure Of Villainy

Recently, I’ve stumbled across several articles and posts dedicated to the benefits of living like a villain and why we should consider it.   There were three main points the writer made in the article, Why You Should Live Life Like A Villain, on ROK:

– Villains live more fulfilling lives than heroes.

– Villains command much more respect than heroes.

– The hero never gets the girl while the villain is always up to his eyebrows in pussy.

So essentially, you have to sell your soul if you want to get the girl and enjoy life.  I firmly disagree with this.  On our deathbeds, do we really want to have lived a life that deep down we were ashamed of?   No, I am not encouraging you to be a White Knight.   In fact, refusing to be an asshole doesn’t automatically mean the only alternative to that is “White Knighting.”

Don’t get me wrong, because I actually see his point. Yes, the bastards/assholes get laid and the nice-guys flounder in the wind. This is why it might be necessary to invoke just a bit of your inner asshole to get your foot in the door to meeting a girl you are actually interested in.  However, do you want to be an asshole for you entire life?  In marriage, work, friends, life?

Becoming What You Hate

Notice one of the core tenants of becoming a villain: Being an asshole. The kind of women who are attracted to “bad boys” are likely not LTR material and certainly aren’t marriage material. They might be good for a one night stand, but you will never be able to be “bad enough” before it catches up with you – either legally or through isolating your friends and family – in the long run.

What makes a “bad boy” or an asshole? Let’s think about it for a second. Knowing exactly what you want in a relationship and when to move on doesn’t make you an asshole, rather it makes you carefully think through what you are seeking for in any relationship – including all of the pros and cons.   Mike Cernovich makes this point about becoming “Alpha”:

I’d never hate on a  man who went monogamous. Being alpha is about getting what you want. If you’re in a relationship that makes you happy, good for you.

If you are looking for a romantic relationship with a girl who only is interested in being your friend, move on immediately as you will be disappointed.

Jen Kim in an article in Psychology Today wrote a response article to, “Do Assholes Really Finish First? asking, “Do Girls Really Love Assholes?”

SBK writes: “Bad boys tend to have lots of positive traits that come along for the ride of the badness such as good looks, confidence, creativity, humor, charisma, high energy, and good social skills— all things women find attractive.”

He also found that for men “one striking direct path to mating success stood out… low agreeableness; the lower the agreeableness, the more sexual partners.”

If there is anything TRP has taught me, it’s that confidence is the most important thing anyone can have and that there is a difference between being an asshole and having confidence.   It is often “confidence” – more on this later – which helps to create all the “asshole” attributes mentioned in the quote above.  The article “Do Assholes Really Finish First?” went into some detail about the success of Tucker Max, who has been able to make a name and a prosperous living off his tales of being an asshole.

He Eventually Destroyed His Entire Life

However, it seems the shallowness of being an asshole as burnt him out. He literally is doing a form of penance with a reverse pendulum swing to his new site, “Mating Grounds” which is essentially a politically correct tip site on dating advice that we all know doesn’t work too well.   Being an asshole however, did burn him out as he points out when he finally came back “online” after years of hiatus:

I was a ridiculous narcissist in my twenties. It’s not even that I didn’t care about other people. It’s way beyond that. I just didn’t even understand that other people even existed or mattered. I do not believe I was a true NPD [narcissistic personality disorder] in the clinical sense. But, dude, I was close.“I ended up hurting a lot of people and not even realizing it. Because of that narcissism, I didn’t connect well to other people. I used a lot of people a lot of times, in ways I didn’t understand.

Separating Confidence From Assholes

The reason why people aspire to be “assholes” is that they don’t realize it is the confidence that assholes have that enables them to be successful with women and other endeavor in their lives.  Assholes often show signs of being willing to take risks, being brave, and having ambition. For some reason however, people forget that they can be all of these things – an develop all of those traits in the quote mentioned above – without actually being an asshole.

Let’s face it; assholes are often shallow people.  They become the narcissists that we despise.  One reason so many of us rightfully dislike feminism is because it turns people into “victims” in which everything is about them and is the fault of somebody else.  These people continually attempt to “out-victim” each other and get enraged when you refuse to accept their bullshit.

They get what they want through manipulation and bullying other people – often via social media and political pressure – into going along with what they want.  We rightfully condemn these assholes for what they are.  Do we really want to become like them and become serial manipulators obsessed with only ourselves first?

Enjoying Life: Transcending Pleasure And Money

We all want to enjoy life.  We NEED other people around and with us to do exactly that. Like it or not, it is other humans – that unique component to life – that make it worth living.

If you want to attract girls and be someone who other men want to be around, become a man.   Act like a man. Develop a character that bursts from the seams with masculinity.    Make sure they can see it through what your actions and what you say.  This is where a lot of confusion has taken place in what society – specifically Social Justice Warriors and feminists have defined as being an asshole.  Ignore the repugnant nonsense they spew about what makes an asshole, especially considering that this exactly what they have turned into themselves.

Despite what feminists say about what is “toxic masculinity” in men and how it equates to being an asshole, I encourage all of us to be men and to let our masculinity pour from every fiber of your being.   Their definition of toxic masculinity is often exactly what men should strive to become. Never forget that.

You don’t have to be a boy scout for the sake of others. You do however want to be a man of courage, honor, and integrity because it is a masculine virtue that will improve your life.  It will build up networks of real friends who can become like a second family.  The key concept there is “Real Friends”, something which is non-existent for assholes whose “friends” amount to people dedicated to using and manipulating each other.

It will help you to see through the bullshit of the deceitful and at the same time let others see you for the real man that you are.  People want to be around men who are actually courageous and honorable.  Real virtues are something that the epic heroes of history have aspired to and they attracted the sort of motivated, ambitious, and honorable companions that we all at our very core desire.

Yes, we can romanticize “heroes” to the point of a fantasy that serves no purpose toward improving ourselves and our character.   Will aspiring to be a villain as a replacement construct any better of a fantasy? Do any of us – hero or villain – really want to die alone?

Being a villain – specifically one who is an asshole and a narcissist is shallow as people will eventually see you for what you are; a man whose narcissism which will eventually destroy himself.  It’s like getting credit card debt.  You can spend all the money you want now, but later you will still have to pay the piper, most likely with interest.   It may be “easy” and profitable in the short-term, but it will have negative consequences in the long-run.  Perhaps those may never actually be financially, but living with yourself and the destruction of your soul will take their own toll.

Go ahead and lie to yourself about how satisfying it supposedly make your life.  If we are actually honest with ourselves, we full well know deep down that there is so much more to a fulfilling and enjoyable life then the supposed romantic allure of “living like a villain”.   Real life satisfaction comes from becoming a man and living like one.