Regretfully for the last 10 years, I watched plenty of porn which aided in my frequent and fervent masturbation each day. It gave all sorts of bizarre inclination and fetishes. Porn showed me how the bodies banged, loud wails, and how many holes could be stuffed at the same time, but not much else.
Easy access on any device, a quick jerk and release, and I was back to my video games, reading, or anything else I felt like at that moment. Time was being used efficiently. After watching some gangbang for the zillionth time, I clearly knew more about getting laid. All was well. Was I lacking anything?
What was lacking is that I still didn’t know how to approach, talk, or much less make the moves on girls so any of that glorious fun looking sex would come my way. Touching and stroking would apparently moisten things up if I got to that part where my fingers and lips were welcomed, but I wasn’t sure about the rest. We saw the penetration, but not how a guy actually got a girl to desire that with him.
When I finally bust from my virgin cage and began to actually have sex with in-the-flesh girls, I ran into moments where I couldn’t get or stay hard. Instead of being as ravenous and filled with testosterone like King Kong, I would suddenly be unable to perform – something devastating for both parties involved. Imagine the excitement of knowing you were gonna get some and the confidence blow when you go limp.
What was happening?
A recent phenomena in secular and Christian circles encourages teenagers and college students to wait till their late 20s to 30s to get married. One must wait till they are financially stable, out of debt, and raking in the big bucks after finally establishing their career – which will never happen for most of us until we hit our late 30s if we are lucky.
During that time you better abstain from the sex, avoid that porn, and stop thinking about how you really want to be enjoying all that meaningless sex your friends are having while you wear your own kind of chastity belt having kissed dating goodbye. You avoid that porn as much as possible, but the addiction begins – one that’s affecting many Christian men (and women). In fact something like a third of visitors to porn sites are now women.
I was a product of this – though my dad encouraged me to get married to alleviate my desires. Of course, I was picky, selfish, immature, and irresponsible. I wasn’t looking for a wife just yet, but a “best friend” and someone who wanted to mate frequently.
Supplementing my technical “virginity” with porn, I held on to that sacred virginity as long as possible so I could claim some moral high-ground. Eventually I said to hell with it and went on my journey of debauchery. I didn’t reject my faith, but I certainly wasn’t going to go to church and bother with guilt.
Perhaps I was lucky to experience the “player burnout” rather quickly and realize that I wanted to find a wife with which to raise a family – and have plenty of sex with of course – and devote my time less to pursuit and more to worthwhile activities.
Game And Beyond
I had to learn game. Friends gave me advice. The internet gave me stories. Podcasts, videos, forum boards, and all those misogynist sexist bastards shared the details of what women wanted and turned them on, rather then what they said they wanted.
Embracing my inner confident asshole, I never looked back. My conquests came through, and my confidence rose to levels of those lucky nerds who gets the girl in those vapid and misleading movies. In my nerdy days, those romantic happy endings were in a galaxy far far away of which I lacked access
Those problems I mentioned earlier however didn’t evaporate. Lurking like a nagging and unscabbed wound, they poked at me.
I recall Davis Aurini mentioned on a stream how men with girlfriends or wives would often jerk off to porn instead of having sex with them. Their natural attraction toward the feminine body which should have given them rock hard boners was being subdued and withered.
These words stuck me, because what he described was exactly what I was doing – even when I hit my “prime”. I supplemented actual sex with porn, often preferring the porn to any “real” girl. It was easy, took less effort, and was warping my mind and ability to be aroused by a REAL woman.
When I met my wife, we had intense sexual attraction. Our secretive and risky adventures to have sex would give way for daily and comfortable sweat sessions once we got married. This has never stopped – yes we still have sex every day.
What also never stopped until recently was me using porn on the side. While me and my wife had watched some together to get ideas, I would often watch it when she wasn’t around. During her back to back pregnancies, it made her feel worse and worse as her body confidence took massive hits due to the natural weight gain of pregnancy.
In fact, at points I couldn’t get hard without watching porn before I had sex with her. As you can imagine, it made her feel like crap. Furthermore, I was often only able to oblige her to sex twice a day because my drive had decreased from jerking off to porn during the other parts of the day.
Yes, you did read that right. Sex only twice a day on average instead of more because my wife’s sex drive is that high. That’s how much she is attracted to me, loves me, and wants me. I was letting her down. Her great body that should have been driving me crazy was being ignored for people who meant nothing to me on the web.
Porn even made me lazy. I wouldn’t do any at home workouts and my “desk job” managed to pack on an additional 30 pounds making me officially overweight for my height. Still through all of this, my wife strongly desires me.
I’m lucky gentleman. Yea my game is good as are my looks, but how many men can say the same in a similar situation? My wife is just that loyal and into me.
I could have very well permanently sabotaged my relationship and marriage to get that momentary high from watching and jerking to porn.
My wife deserves more. She deserves all the sex she can get from me, regardless if I’m feeling horny or not. Porn only lowered my libido. It’s a dangerous drug that’s hard to give up. Even still, I sometimes feel permanently altered from its affect when me and my wife go at it.
It’s a lesson I will teach my two sons. I encourage all of you to do the same and be careful – even using it as a stimulus for you and your wives. Avoid it. Your wife or girlfriend has a body that you should ravish. Study hers and do exactly that.
Sometimes the old wisdom from those prudish puritan conservatives and I daresay insane raving feminists who disprove of porn for opposite reasons can be correct. Plenty of studies tell us about the ill effects of porn on men and even on women who have developed addictions. You just don’t take those effects seriously until it happens to you.
“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” – G.K. Chesterton
A while back, many in the anglosphere noticed that many of the notorious “PUAS” were reaching the end of their hedonic treadmills. For some like Roosh, they were entering a new season of life. Those of us who had discovered the Red Pill knew there had to be more. We realized that the West had to be rebuilt with a solid foundation and a legacy that couldn’t be based on hedonism, bashing feminists, or have an identity built on opposition.
At the height of my PUA days, I declared feminists as my enemy. They were degenerate, anti-family, and promiscuous. This was at the peak of when I embarked on behavior that was degenerate, anti-family, and promiscuous. My attacks against them were one way of relieving the guilt and discomfort of my own behavior, since most of the girls I slept with had to have feminist thoughts in their minds to allow me to gain easy sex. I was experiencing pleasurable orgasms with the enemy in the evening then writing about how bad they were the day after.
We were staring into the abyss and it was turning us. While pretending to flush the sewage, we contributed to it while calling the girls who put out easy sluts. What was the point at the end of it? Were we doing anything useful? Building the kind of culture and society that we kept pointing out was being destroyed, but deliberately contributing to its very destruction?
There is a next step. Some of us may not be able to to take it and for that I will not pass judgement. But those of us who can must, and so we have. I’d like to bring your attention to two new sites in particular that I believe are of vast importance to building that foundation – one that wont be built off bashing feminism, sjws, and a myriad of other things that ARE NOT in our immediate local context to effect.
A Kings Castle is what I believe is the next evolution of ROK, except it focuses on fathers and families. Those two subjects are essential for the stable foundation and prosperity of any culture and society. It’s staffed by multiple men who all are fathers and husbands who are doing their part to try and promote healthy family growth and life. Demographics is destiny and a demographic that is composed of strong families is what will build rise from the ashes of what is left of American culture. You’ll notice that the race obsession isn’t a part of that.
The other is Jacobite Mag. A particular article of theirs, “The Right Needs Joy” struck me. It argues the definition of Thomas Aquinas in that joy proceeds from love and the truest joy is ordered love that focuses on the very things that deserve that love. The following point is devastatingly accurate:
“This sort of joy is in dangerously short supply. Many on the right, especially those who identify as “Alt-Right,” spend massive amounts of time rejoicing in the pain of those with whom they disagree. The fact that videos about “libtard meltdowns” and “Butt-Hurt Crying Hillary Voters Compilation” have far more views than videos about Shakespeare, Alexis de Tocqueville, and Dante’s Commedia, should tell us something. Young conservatives and reactionaries, much as they flail their hands at the death of Western civilization and the loss of wisdom, do very little in the way of actually preserving the beauty and truth underlying this great tradition. If joy is truly a result of love, man must be very careful to develop the right affections in his breast. Right now many on the right seem hellbent on cultivating affection for dank memes rather than for truth, goodness, and beauty.”
“When not mocking, many give way to the temptation of defeatism, resentment, and self-congratulation. One of the clearest examples of this habit is the use of the “red pill” metaphor. While it has some communicative merit in expressing how fundamental many of the disagreements between progressives and traditionalists are, it is a troubling metaphor. It encourages a gnostic view of truth and happiness, in which only those who have seen through the fog of progressive brainwashing can recognize any meaningful truths. While I certainly agree that contemporary progressivism is a suicidal ideology, many virtuous, dedicated, and intelligent people ascribe to some part of it while still recognizing aspects of reality. Insofar as these people are living in the truth, they are able to properly rejoice in it. Meanwhile, many who rightly critique the emptiness of the progressive project fall into habits of resentment and unhappiness that actually moves them farther away not just from joy and charity, but truth itself.”
If we want to Red Pill anyone, we have to lead by example. How much joy can you have if your primary purpose is destruction and schadenfreude instead of laying down roots and a foundation? The Alt Reich could learn from this. Or they can continue their descent into blaming instead of building.
They’ve been consumed by hate. Instead of building families they writhe with hatred of jews, blacks, and whoever else can be blamed for why their life isnt what it shouldnt be. What a terrible way to go. They’ve missed what will really rebuild not just “whites”, but everyone. Yes, that includes our black brethren in the cities.
Stable families that show love, laughter, faith, truth, beauty, goodness, and a reason to get up tomorrow morning with a purpose and hope in life. We need to focus on what we can actually affect – the lives of those around us. This is done through families that can build up the community and the lives of those in our community. It’s probably the primary point that the authors of A Kings Castle will hammer home; focus on what we can affect instead of national politics and scaremongering.
That’s my son. Him and his younger brother will build a legacy that affects our families, friends, and neighbors. That’s how you Red Pill the world around you; by showing them how it’s done. We will outbreed those who so throughout endorse abortion and create a new foundation built on the shoulders of those who came before us.
We will build marriages worthy of remembrance and praise. Our children will rise to the top bringing those around them on the ride. The community around us will see our lives. We will live, drink, laugh, and not be brought down by the things in life we CANT control. There is a better way and we will show it.
I’m far from perfect – of that my wife will assure you. But damnit, I’m going to keep going forward and showing those around me that life is worth living, the future is worth building, and that even in the darkest of times and despair there is always a reason to keep going.
I can’t understate how important this is -especially when your kids are infants and need a lot of time. Many families often relocate to where they can get work. What’s crucial is finding a job where you have family or close friends available that can give you a leg to stand on in hard times, but can help babysit when you and your girl – in my case wife – desperately needs a break.
One or two people wont be enough. People get busy – often when you really need them – and you will need a wide network to ensure it doesn’t happen to you. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and when you have two boys that are 10 months and 4 days apart, that couldn’t be truer. Your family, her family, friends, everyone. People we know have bought us diapers, clothes, even carseats and strollers. Without that help, I don’t know what we would have done.
You want to avoid daycare at all possible costs, but to make ends meet these days, often both parents will have to work. It’s essential you have family, friends and GRANDPARENTS nearby who can babysit and help out. If you aren’t able to have one parent remain at home with your kids, your family and close friends are far more nurturing and key to your kids success later in their lives than a daycare will ever be.
With three months left of our lease, our babysitting situation and inability to get the support we needed caused us to uproot and move back to Illinois and in with some close friends of ours. Now, with my parents nearby, my mom can give us babysitting whenver we need it. This has been essential to both me and my wife getting work and being able to pay off what’s left on our lease back in Missouri.
Again, if you don’t get support, taking care of your kids in their infancy will become an exhausting burden, rather than a blessing and your marriage will be strained as a result. Me and my wife have had plenty of small fights over problems created by exhaustion and the lack of people to help us out.
The fact my mom will babysit at any point means that I can finally take my wife. We can go to the Warped Tour and see her bands. A night out at the drive-in theater becomes a reality, instead of a fond memory. We can never forget what brought us together in the first place.
Swallow Your Pride
Alpha this, alpha that. If you are an “Alpha”, you should have some pride and confidence in yourself and the decisions you make for you family. However, when you screw up, don’t let your pride get the better of you. If you can’t keep a promise, plans blow up, or you legitimately end up causing your wife grief – apologize. Own it. You are a man.
I must admit, I’m a stubborn prideful bastard. So when I’m wrong, it’s hard to admit it. Your wife will respect you if you are willing to admit and own your mistakes. Key here is that you apologize when you screw up – not just apologize for her mistakes or to make her feel better. Only apologize when you do something wrong so it’s significant when you do.
Admit when you are wrong.
Just do it. This one of the rare times, “Man up” should be said. If you want your wife to apologize for the mistakes she does – and not blame you for them, you will have to lead by example. I absolutely suck at this, but lately I’ve been trying to own any actual mistakes I make. When it comes to raising my sons, this will be key. They will look at my example and see if I do what I preach.
Now this doesn’t mean that you should roll-over. (My wife even admitted she’s glad I don’t do everything she says or wants.) If you have to battle, pick your battles and stand your ground when needed.
Manage Your Time
It’s so easy to be lazy and not make use of your rare downtime. I get it, but when things are tight and time is of the essence, do something useful and productive. I love my video games, but the demands and needs of young sons come first. This means keeping on top of giving them baths, getting them fed, changing them, and watching my oldest as he scurries around trying to touch and grab everything. 14 months is indeed an active age.
For instance, I want my wife to be satisfied with cheap easy to make food – which she usually isn’t. To make it easier, I’ll have to spice it up, do the small things, and actually learn more about cooking. ( I work from home.) I’ll also need to do whatever cleaning and stuff needs to be done.
In fact, there was a faucet that had to be replaced. I had to get some extensions for the water supply valves to reach the faucet ends, but I took forever to get around to it because I was lazy. We needed that faucet ready to go. I finally did it, but far later than I should have.
Luckily with that SUPPORT NETWORK that I mentioned earlier, time is a bit easier to manage when they boys are being taken care of by my mom and I’m able to get whatever I need to done around the house that me and my wife are staying.
Me and my wife have sex every single day. That’s no accident. We ENSURE we have the time – that and my wife demands it with her high drive. No matter what happens that day, we MAKE time. If you really value something, you can and will do the same without excuses. This also means that I have to stop making excuses for not getting things done that I should.
Laugh, Love, Live
These are great slogans, but people are usually either too busy or self absorbed with life to actually participate in these. A great support network will help enable you to actually live life. The house me, my wife, and the boys currently live at is the home of my best friends parents who are like my second parents. It’s very similar to living in a multi-generational house and the benefits are immense and tremendous.
We actually talk to each other over food. Laughter, great stories, and that noise of “happiness” can be heard constantly. We are never “Bored”, unlike so many people. There’s always something going and someone to hang out with. Great conversations occur. Often friends and grandparents are over. Board games, bonfires, barbecues outside are staples of our lives. Beer taste better when you are enjoying it with people you love. Having a Wii with Mario Party and Brawl is suddenly a phenomenal thing. We are our own Brady Bunch.
My best friend’s family had four kids and my best friend and his wife have a 3 month old son. (I’d like to think we inspired them to get going) We are going through almost the same stage of life. The naive dream of me and my best friend hanging out with our wives and raising kids is actually happening. I feel like I’m living my own version of Second Hand Lions. It fills me with joy everyday and makes me look forward to waking every morning.
All this makes it easier to raise our two boys with the love, help, and input that my best friends family gives us. I’m constantly learning new things as a dad because of it and me and my wife fight MUCH less than when we lived on our own in Missouri.
One interesting realization is that there’s other people who can hear those fights, so we have to mediate our differences calmly and quickly. It prevents arguments from blowing up into nasty fights and has allowed us to get needed space and conversation with others in the house to take our minds off it.
Regarding that love part; the daily sex that I mentioned earlier helps resolve those fights and constantly bond us together to overcome if either of us have had a bad day, her emotions are at a low, or just our libido is going crazy. It also boosts her confidence in herself and her body – very necessary after having two kids back to back.
When my wife’s particularly cranky, she’s mentioned how she has a stick up her ass and that she needs sex to get rid of it. Sure enough, it works every time. Never forget that little fact when you wonder why she’s mad at you for no reason and you can’t logic at all with her.
Do The Small Things
1. We can be great at having the big picture in mind, but it’s the small details and living of our daily lives that makes all of that happen. It’s those small conversations, memories, and emotions that shape our futures. It’s easy to let the days blend together until you can’t remember what you did last Thursday.
Do something small each day to make it different. Tell you wife you appreciate what she does. Make her a small gift, come up with a quick movie list, and tell her you have a surprise for her – just don’t tell her what it is to the last minute. Never let that spark of romance get lost in the gritty routine of life. Make a date night each week.
2. Plenty of fights me and my wife have gone through were often because she wasn’t feeling “loved”. Every time it comes up, I think to myself, “Seriously?” Simple stuff like saying, “I love you” in the morning, a kiss when she wakes up, a sincere compliment here and there. If she’s looking really good during a moment of the day, TELL HER SO. You’d think that she knows you already love her and think she’s beautiful, but she needs to be reminded of it. She needs your validation and appreciation.
Go beyond her outward beauty and look to her as a whole. It’s easy to see what your spouse does wrong – especially during arguments, but you often forget to compliment and appreciate what she does right. She needs to know everyday that she is making you happy and that she is worth it. Appreciate your wife for the great mother that she is and that the effort she puts in everyday.
You can do it
So many men have become jaded and believe that marriage isn’t worth it and fear losing any kids they do have to divorce and eventual child support via a vicious ex. The risks are there, but the rewards of choosing a life you want to live are there as well.
I don’t make much money. Neither does my wife. But with that support I keep shouting about, anything is possible. You don’t have to be financially “stable” – most of us won’t be for years to come – and in your late 30s till you can get married and even think about kids. Against the current grain, I would advise getting married young and having kids.
It’s far easier to deal with the responsibilities of kids when you are young, then when you are in your 40s and your back is killing you. You also enjoy the wife of your youth in your prime when you are full of energy, hope, and that “spark” that seems to fade as people age.
That essential support network can let you live a life worth living. Be your own man and if a family is what you desire, don’t look back. Keep striving forward. Even though I’m new at being a dad, my boys already have an advantage – they will grow up with a father who loves them, will lead by example, and will always be there.
“Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential”. – Winston Churchill
Plenty of motivational words have been blathered about “Living up to your potential.” It’s almost abstract at this point. Perhaps the above quote from the brilliant and witty Winston Churchill may be an exception.
We serfs often get used to a daily routine – one that’s very comfortable. While we bounce between loving and hating it depending on whether we are enjoying life, we don’t want to quite upset that balance.
It’s why we settle for the status quo, both on a very individual scale when we are grinding out our day jobs, and simply want to relax when we get home. Living up to your potential is hard. That continuous effort… well, I really want a beer and to Netflix and chill with my wife instead.
Of all of the above, I’m guilty.
I work a job with commission opportunities with a low base hourly rate of 9$ an hour. Often, they are happy that you just show up, because so many people don’t when it comes to call centers.
I’ve lasted over 9 months at my job – which is apparently great when you look at turn over rates for call centers. Still everyday I’m at the edge of quitting and walking off.
Because I have a family to provide for, I can’t do that. However instead of applying to new jobs, I just lay back at home when I get off and relax. It’s easy. I want to unwind.
The next morning, I wake up and curse having to get ready to go back to a job I often hate. I’m my own worst enemy, a glutton for the punishment of a comfortable routine. I’m my own worst enemy.
I actually like my co-workers and both of the managers I’ve had. I just can’t chance not making commission during checks when my family is desperate for money.
Based on that alone, I should have already gotten another job. But this one is easy. I know the systems, the unwritten rules, what flies and what doesn’t – all of which take a few months to learn. I don’t want to start over and get… uncomfortable. Anxious. Unsure of exactly what the expectations will be.
Clearly, I’m hindering my own potential. I’m comfortable in my job routine while hating and loving it every day. I know so many other people who are afflicted in this same devious manner. But we are too lazy and “comfortable” to do anything about it.
We bitch about the status quo, but content ourselves in it’s comforts. I talk big and loud, but my stick is very small.
This all comes down to willpower. An honest thorough self-reflection would indicate that I’m lacking that department, or that I pick and choose. If it’s easy, I’ll leave that comfort zone, but if it’s hard I’ll certainly stay. Of course this means that my motivation will be lacking as well.
Quintus Curtius calls this Transformative Mental Change when he talks about the Foundations Of Motivation and that its needed if you want to make a step in the right direction harnessing that willpower – or at least building it.
“This source of motivation comes from an internal decision that we make. We consciously decide that we want to improve ourselves. We consciously decide that we want to begin the process of forward movement. At some point, we become tired of the old patterns and wish for a change. We wish to push ourselves into new vistas and regions of exploration. And before we do this, we make a decision.”
You would think having a family to provide for would give me that mental tazing and wake me from my lackadaisical slumber, but it hasn’t yet. That desire to do more – still lacking. Have to buckle up. I wonder if it’s an aspect of maturity that I still have to attain – a level of responsibility that has to be shouldered.
The appreciation isn’t seen right away, but the fruit will be seen in full later. Perhaps I’m too much a creature of immediate satisfaction, rather then a player of the long game. Again it’s another part of living up to Potential. You want to be all you can be.
If one really wants it, they will grab it without excuse. In a world where excuses are rewarded, I suspect this is why it takes people a long time to finally leave their comfort zone. Why would they? If they live off the government dole, there is no incentive. If they live at home and can still have their girlfriends overnight, why bother striving to better themselves?
Then again, if the system is rigged – getting that dollar too much in the next tax category, it may be a symptom of our society in general where the hardest working end up being the most penalized. This is not an excuse, but an observation.
This is not a call to be someone else, it’s a call to be the best I can be. We take a lot for granted – specifically our continued and assured situations. We never know if calamity, death, joblessness, the loss of transportation could send us to the streets. It’s almost as if we are living paycheck to paycheck.
An assured, prosperous, and at the very least – safe – future should be planned. That planning and needed drive have to be used at some point. Sooner rather than later.
“Friendship is like standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it’s to leave, and you can never go without leaving your footprints behind.” – Unknown
Beginning Your Quest
“Stand By Me” is what crosses my shitlord mind when I think about the ultimate meaning of the word “friend”. Hopefully something of similar aspiration and brilliance crosses your mind as you agonize late into the night about your lack of instagram followers, likes, and retweets.
The 1986 classic is a tale of boys who bond while on the adventure of their lives – to find a dead body first. A dead body was the goal of their quest, but the story of their lives is related by how they got there. Their story, retold by our venerable writer, is what we all desire deep down at our frothy cores.
Even more important, it makes their quest worthy of completion, instead of merely just beginning. Think about the movie Sandlot and Scotty’s quest to make friends. Their adventure expands and culminates in getting that baseball back. Scotty didn’t know it yet, but the neighborhood kids became his family and the quest he began with became something grand – and a classic in American cinema.
Every man needs his quest. He might not know it yet, but ever man at his core has a quest in mind for his life. Myth, legend, history, and memorable fiction is filed with the larger-than-life stories of Achilles, Caesar, Genghis, Harry Dresden, and Huck Finn for a reason.
Real friends” make that quest worth undertaking, as well as make the quest into what we never imagined. Experiences and encounters with friends shape the stories to be told to our grandchildren. Chunk was essential to the group in the Goonies just as Huck Finn was impossible without Tom Sawyer.
They also shape what our quests become and give you those “life is worth living” feelings that everyone want of us wants. You may start off in the Shire, but the way to Mordor is packed with many different stops.
Before I go any further, let me shout something at the rest of you, “STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WILL THINK!” When you don’t shift with the wind and popular opinion and consensus to “fit in”, the friends you will attract will be a of a high caliber and more likely to be TRUE actual friends.
Friends should be thicker than water. Crazy stunts on your bikes, nerding out laughing and gaming on xbox late into the night, and enjoying a pickup game of baseball created a bond that you didn’t easily forget.
I still haven’t forgotten me and my best friend Tim bingewatching anime late into the night while slamming mountain dew. A decade later, we had switched to bud light. Conversations late into the night about plans for the future were the norm. (Think “Second-Hand Lions“)
Yea, I know, “Nerrrddssssss!”
Friendship was a bond between people that extended beyond the normal worries of life. Bonds weren’t necessarily established because you both held up similar signs at a protest, but because you had been through thick and thin together.
You legitimately had not just commonality, but a sense of enjoyment and purpose in the company of someone you considered a friend. Speak friend, and enter. (We all need our Sam, Frodo, and Gandalf in Moria.)
In these dark times, we force the term “friend” to also mean comrade, ally, etc. Obviously, you can be a friend, but not necessarily an ally willing to hopscotch onto those landmines. Well, this used to be the case.
That distinction matters because everyone assumes that you have the same exact views as your friend – or that you should. Become the hivemind. You are identical symbiotic cells according to Facebook feeds.
The current political sphere entails that while you may be a gay Asian lesbian who voted Trump, you are still apparently a Nazi who hates humanity. You are either in the camp getting gassed, or you are the one’s laughing maniacally as you usher the Zyklon B into the shower vents.
Either a deplorable Nazi bastard, or a trans black disabled two-spirit. This thinking has done wonders for those shallow people whose lives depend on political schadenfreude for purpose.
Believe it or not; Trump being the devil or the messiah, the ethics of trannies in the girls bathroom, and whether God exists are great conversations while in a drunken stupor that won’t be uploaded to Facebook. When amongst friends, disagreement/agreement shouldn’t matter.
Agreement and disagreement aren’t what drives your friendship. If they do, you have many like minded acquaintances, but likely no real friends who will stand by you. A rather unsettling thought. So what does a friend look like?
Do you know someone with the history, proximity, life-goals, to some extent common-cause, and shared experiences/ stories that you want to tell your grandchildren? How about that feeling of purpose, fulfillment, and sense of belonging?
Did you think to yourself, “I’d love to grow old with this guy?” Were they always at your back in the thick of life with you? Did they stand by you in times of strife when everyone trashed you? Was there couch always available when you needed it and their ear open when life had you bent over? If so, that’s a real friend – and they don’t make em like they used to.
Go back to the year 1000 and gaze upon a man who was excommunicated. Modern self -loathing Christendom hate aside, the heretic was often avoided by the community and usually dead to his family. At that time, it was essentially a death sentence.
Despite our scorn of those bigoted terrible Christians as we beat on our enlightened snobby chests about how awesome we are ,we’ve actually brought that same mentality back. This time it only dooms you to bad jobs, little opportunity, and scorn from your elite educated betters who’ve studied long and hard for their liberal arts degree.
If you are one of the lucky converts, you’ll be seen as a sinner who needs an extended time of penance in the mines of ally activism to repent for your sins of privilege. You filthy white devil you. Prostrate and repent – but make sure to donate. Forgiveness isn’t cheap.
Will they stand by you? Surely he knows you are a good person at heart, just misunderstood in the shouts for your burning at the stake – but will he voice it in fear for his own hide? You better damn hope so Solo.
The casualties of heresy aren’t necessarily just the one’s you see on the front page of Drudge, but on your social feed as they defriend and block all trespassers of wrongthink. Surely they can’t be seen to have such deplorable friends. After all, what would people think?
Peer pressure makes for likes on Facebook, but will any of those people drive out of their way to pick you up in the middle of nowhere? Will your “friend” have time for you when you actually need it? True friends are indeed rare.
Will he denounce you to the other virtue signal despondent deviants desperate for Faecbook likes and acceptance because you didn’t support #BlackLivesMatter loud enough, check your privilege, or didn’t prostrate yourself low enough for that offensive joke?
Stand By Me
Rest assured that if I call you a friend, I’ll always have your back when the storms rage. It’s exactly why I’ll never denounce men like Forney, Roosh, Aurini, Quintus, etc no matter how many people recoil in horror because they deem their perspectives deplorable. Guilt by association is nonsense and anyone who appeals to it should be disregarded.
Even more so for the close friends I’ve known for the better part of my life. When told that it makes me look like I share their reprehensible heresies, my response is simple and emphatic:“I don’t care.”
Be honest with yourself; the shrieking wolves of Twitter will always assume that friendship equates to a cult like hive mind of absolute agreement. Their goal is isolation of their targets. When they’ve finished, they will still come for you next.
Consider closely who you want to be in this short life. You are never guaranteed tomorrow. Sure, plan for the future, but exactly what future? In fact what would your friends and family say around your gravestone? Deep down, we want a future filled with people, family, and FRIENDS, which make it worth living.
Even if I don’t agree with someone or their supposed racist, sexist, misogynist bigoted uttering – of which I am accused of frequently – they are still my friend no matter what they have or will say.
That’s what true friends do. Your friendship transcends the frequent winds of “change” on the “right side of history.” The right damn side of history is by their side, and they by you.
History won’t fondly remember the con artists who appeal to the moral authority of the majority to scold those who aren’t on the “right side of history” – if it remembers them at all. Face it, history won’t remember virtually any of us, but good friends make our short lives worth getting up in the morning to go to that job we hate to feed our families.
My best friend may be very liberal, but he’s welcome in my home at any point, and I in his. The trust we’ve built over the last 20 years can’t be shaken. Our kids will play together, and our wives worthy of defending regardless the reason.
A word of warning to those who think long-term friends can be replaced: Those who throw their friends away – especially over politics – will be treated with contempt by their newfound like-minded revolutionary comrades, because none of us at heart will ever be truly radical enough.
“Betrayal” no matter how you want to dress it up is not invisible to new bedfellows. Trust will never be built, and thus loyalty will never follow, as they assume you will do the same to them at some point. So goes the common cause.
No matter how much faithful zeal you may have for social justice you will tire, even just slightly of being beaten for your privilege while living paycheck to paycheck – cis straight white males in particular. It is then you will be chastised and exorcised for your lack of allyship.
Meanwhile your best hope is that the friends and family you shunned know well the parable of the prodigal son. You will know them to be true friends and family when they welcome you back with open arms and no demands to get on your knees and beg for sweet forgiveness.
That is what marks a true friend. Value them above all else.
Those dreaded useless words I hear uttered frequently by everyone ranging from my 14 year old cousin to my pot-head friends of yesteryear to my lovely lass wife. Yes, she doesn’t want to watch Netflix or some other movie for yet ANOTHER night, but finances are tight as I’m the only one working for the man right now.
We aren’t just bored. We go to bed expecting tomorrow to be exhausing, unfuffiling, and frustrating knowing nothing worthwhile will be accomplished. Stuck in a trance-like state, we’re going through the motions, even when lazy and lounging around. Yes, we are tired from caring for an infant, and my pregnant again wife is always exhausted, but still it’s not supposed to be like this.
An endurance in the fulfillment and contentment in what we’ve accomplished as a family – in a short time. Our phones and Netflix are just a distraction in our attempt to relax and ignore reality for the moment because it’s too painful. Idle hands really are the devils workshop. Of course there is some context.
I’m an asshole to myself and in my leadership role. Hunkering down each night in the living room to watch da Netflix and waste time informing myself via the news, twitter, and the blogosphere isn’t because I desperately desire it, but rather because money is tight and our infant son needs to be in his crib. It’s a convenient and even truthful excuse
Even with it being a valid excuse, I KNOW I need to get us off TV at night time and toward something productive so we aren’t “bored”. Between getting fat and gaining 20 damn pounds over these two pregnancies and working a sedentary call center gig, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. Exercise, I need you.
Yes, I should be taking us on fun adventures with plenty of walking that you see in da movies, but can we really take a 9 month old infant out on a stroll at 10 PM in 20 degree weather regardless of how well bundled up he is?
Take into account the meth addicts that seem to be prowling the streets and parks and the possible excitement we might encounter goes against our parental instincts. When you become parents, you have to be far more responsible then you actually may want to be in your struggle against . The delayed maturity that men in particular deal with hits hard and fast – or at least it should when you become a father.
We remain hunkered inside our bunker, trying to get our minds off life watching movies, still bored, and my wife still stressed though her pregnancy. (A recipe ripe for producing arguments between couples.)
Ideally, I’d love to go out, grab some food, feel cool, splurge the cash, and not worry about spending money for once. Showing off our 9 month old son to everyone at that establishment makes us feel like we’ve done – or rather made someone worthy of plenty of gazing.
True story, as every time we take him out, women drool and gush over how cute he is. Yes, he is very cute.
However, when we go out, is it a useful investment of our time? Who are we hanging out with? Will sharing time with them build us up?
Going out makes us feel like we are taking a break from our mundane lives living in a place we shouldn’t even be. It’s why us millennial blow so much damn money on food when we should be saving it for that house that won’t be coming from a job that won’t we be getting because of our useless degrees. Forgetting about life for that moment really is key.
For my pregnant wife, it takes some of the stress off. Otherwise, it’s back to our dinky apartment where I will get yelled at for something all stemming back from boredom. First we loved this apartment, as it was a place of our own.
Now it just reminds us of bad decisions, filthy and thieving neighbors, and all the food places around us which we shouldn’t spend money because we need to be responsible for once and save some of it.
Are They Really Down On Their Luck?
Hell, at least when we do blow dat money, it’s not on meth like much of the surrounding “homeless” population seems to do. In fact, these “homeless” folks often walk a mile down the road to their truck, throw that cardboard sign “Homeless and Hungry” into the back and drive on off.
I’m sure their plight is as bad as they want us to believe, but you’d think they’d make it obvious by dressing worse instead of like they just went shopping at the mall. Panhandling is the way of the future.
Just the other day I was approached by some guy who asked me if I had change for the bus. Immediately I was annoyed, irritated, and actually tired. Where I’m from in Illinois, people beg for “change for the bus” all the damn time only to spend it on booze, cigs, drugs, or other fleeting pleasures.
Frankly, it pisses me off because unless I personally know them or someone I respect vouches for them, I can assume they are trying to shake me down like I’m some kind of hipster white costal elite type who is plagued by guilt and a trust fund who needs his good deed for the day.
Telling this guy I knew what he was up to, he still held frame. So I decided to give him a 1$. He then went straight into Walgreens to buy his bus ticket I’m sure. Add getting that buck out of me to his wall of accomplishments. What a waste of time.
Currently where I live, there is a horrible meth problem – one of the worst in the nation – as well as “homeless” people everywhere. Sorting through the actual victims vs the pretenders makes me a jaded man. I promise I’m going somewhere with this post.
Looking In A Cracked Mirror
However, it’s made do some soul searching. Me and my wife have gotten food from the local church pantry here. Did someone else need it more? Yes we have 100$ left in our bank account, but we did do frivolous spending prior.
Taking her out multiple times for dinner, buying her a maternity coat for the winter that actually fits, and getting us numerous other things at Walmart that while we could utilize, we didn’t absolutely need has got me thinking.
If I’m honest, I need to wonder if we are abusing the local safety nets – even slightly. Yes, it’s just me working and I can barely pay all the bills sometimes. Hell, we were down to 2$ in our bank account for about three days to get us through to pay day.
On the other hand, baby food is expensive, as is formula, clothes, etc. Wages aren’t great and the cost of living still isn’t low enough to really save any money on one income with one infant and another on the way. Is this all included in the thought process when charitable places don’t have a problem giving us food, aid, and help?
I’ve seen people with a far worse plight then my own; families literally on the street outside my apartment complex. I have a smart phone, wifi at my apartment, and we only have to pay the electric bill when it comes to utilities. Sometimes I’ll even have around 150$ something left over after bills to get us through to the next check. Our two door car is in good shape, and while small, it get’s us where we need to go with no car payment. Yes, it could be much worse.
The admirable American dream is still currently out of reach for me. My wife is planning on getting a nursing gig here and seeing if they will pay for part of med school, but nothing is assured.
Our families have been very helpful. My parents have bought us diapers, formula, and even shipped some non perishables to our house. Our relatives have all given us some money. My wife’s grandmother who loves us dearly has sent plenty of cash our way when times have been dire.
Essentially, we are blessed. We just keep forgetting because there is plenty of time on our hands stuck inside our apartment to ponder on what hasn’t gone our way yet.
So shouldn’t I render the same to the discarded rubbish on the street nearby? I want to, but I’m not entirely sure who really needs help and who is just pretending. Then again, that thought goes through my head – are we pretenders as well?
We aren’t standing out with signs, but we have gotten help. Did people think we were worse off then we were? Surely, I hope we have not misled anyone.
Crawling Toward The Endzone
Even with self-reflection, it’s hard to be content and grateful for what we have because we aren’t anywhere close to reaching our goals and living our dreams. Then again, even if we do, what then? Will we have a similar trance state of life, just with less worry, wondering what then shall we do?
“Ease and relaxation are wonderful. But they are not goals. They are temporary, transitory conditions of the spirit.” – Quintus C
My wife isn’t thinking about how lucky we are to have a car – she’s thinking about how she’s pregnant again, unable to go to school and/or work, how finances are tight, and how much we miss our friends and family. This in spite of how much we’ve actually accomplished this far together. Why the sense of not just failed dreams, but of a lack of fulfillment in the one’s we have lived?
We need a mindset shift. In a post about the struggles of life, Quintus Curtius talks about the “Endzone” and about how we create goals for ourselves and yet still feel unaccomplished.
“We must never allow ourselves to feel broken, defeated, debilitated, or beaten by life. I will not allow this. I will not permit this disease of defeatism in my life. Will not. Ever.”
Boredom and that trance like state spiral toward feelings of despair and failure before driving us toward any other kind of reality – Netflix for example – to take our minds off it instead of actually fixing it. Eventually, it seeps through our diversion shields and breaks them.
When we falter toward the above, boredom and distraction from it lead to that feeling of being beaten up by life lying down and reaching in vain for that fresh green endzone.
I’m not even in the endzone – I’m struggling within 80 yards of it, on my hands and knees dragging my burdens along. But life is just that – a constant struggle to the day we die trying to arrive. This is no cause for despondency and acceptance of vanity however.
Through the struggles in life is where we make and leave our mark. Our character is refined in the furnaces of life and reputations are forged. Obstacles are overcome and foundations set. Stories are born and tales of your golden days are told to your grandchildren gathered around you.
You just can’t see it yet.
“But this does not mean that life is an endless sequence of gloom and doom, of conflict on top of conflict, signifying nothing. No, far from it. It only means that life is for the living. Life is for the stout of heart. For the coeurs de leon.” – Quintus Curtius
This will be the first thanksgiving that I’ve spent away from my family. Here in Missouri, I will instead be spending it with my son and my wife’s parents and cousins who are here. During the last few months, I’ve been gutted by a feeling of being homesick. Today, it will probably hit the hardest.
Alas, this feeling however does give way to a realization; We never appreciate our family enough until they aren’t around. The atmosphere of my dad’s family staying up late into the night, kicking back some beers, the ambient noise of conversation – it’s something I’ve realized alot of other families don’t have. I’ve lived in Illinois my entire life, and while I hated the state with a passion, my family is what kept me there.
In modernity, we often leave our families and move to various parts of the country in search of economic freedom and success – in my families case the best opportunity is currently here in Missouri. Grandparents often barely know their grandchildren, nephews and nieces only see their aunts and uncles twice a year, and siblings often are stuck with only Facebook to establish that connection to bring back memories of home.
Sometimes I wonder if the fact we can go anywhere with a press of the gas pedal has inadvertently led us to paths that often don’t include the family structure, proximity, and support that existed for most up until the 1960s. Will we ever experience that again as a culture? I can only lament.
It takes a village to raise a child – especially for those who desire a big family. That’s almost impossible nowadays. Many millennials often move so much, that we never establish roots and become so close with our neighbors that they are like blood.
Some however survive the homesickness and overcome it. A while after originally posting this, I reached out to Quintus and suggested it as a podcast topic for him – which he actually just did – and a gentleman who goes by Motivated Maverick gave me some advice. Suffice to say, he’s been in the military for 14 years and has been away from his family for long stretches. He gave the following 9 points for consideration.
Build a routine. Even small things like your meals, a cup of coffee, a walk or a cigarette. Enjoy them.
Focus on the people around you. Make others smile & laugh. People around you probably feel homesick too.
Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. 3 hard miles will solve nearly all your mental problems.
Accept what’s happening; embrace it. Philosophy used to help men cope. Still does. Read Boethius.
Make a rule in your mind: YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. YOU DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. This is important.
Make forced mental notes of everything new you see or experience to tell your friends about back home.
Keep a journal. This will help a lot..BUT NO VICTIM JOURNALS
Read good, uplifting books.
An engaging long term project is your best friend. A side business you’re working can make time fly.
Alas, but we press on. Perhaps some football tonight will get my mind off it. Happy thanksgiving to those of you I love, cherish, and know. Modernity does have it’s price I suppose.
To all those in my spheres, from RVF to Maverick – happy travels and I hope that while you make your life abroad, homesickness doesn’t bring you down. Deus Vult
Recently, my life has become like one of those sack races at a school party. My wife is in the sack with me – almost twice a day on average – and often we are trying to hop in different directions when it comes to our plans, ideas, and how we want to spend our time that day. Our marriage is yet young. As we seek to better communicate and understand the stubborn other, a new path in life opens.
As the experts hum repeatedly, much of marriage is all about communication. Usually, you don’t start off to well in that department. The specific verbal and non-verbal manner of that communication is a different skill all in itself – one that is often unpolished.
Through the communication we stumble through now, I’ve learned something important. Your priorities will shift so much in your life – especially with an infant that much of what you did and who you were before marriage wont be the same.
If you want to be that great family patriarch of old, most of your available time in a day must be spent nurturing your family – specifically your wife in the early years and your children. Just as anything substantial in life requires much time and investment, your family is no exception. (Infants are quite the time investment when they won’t fall asleep at night and continue to cry.)
I’m now building my legacy, but that is a time and life investment that will consume my time in life. Less going out with friends to the bar. Less video game binges into the wee hours. Less wasting of time period. My hobbies now tend to include research about the best ways to get my son crawling early and my social activities tend to involve my wife. (Father and son hobbies will come as my son grows older.)
In a way, I’m being forced to be more productive and deliberate as to how I spend my time – an odd side effect of having a family that I had no clue about. It is however a welcome one, in that it forces some discipline upon you, something I’ve struggled to do over my life. Dragged by my heels to be better.
Much of my generation is hedonistic in we view ourselves. Usually, it’s all about what makes me happy and satisfied now and anything that get’s in the way is a problem – or in the cases of some RP enthusiasts – supposed Beta behavior. What most players don’t realize is that when you get married, your wife needs your time. It can feel a bit strangling at times with a loss of space being your gut instinct, but new instincts will develop as your marriage goes on.
Essentially, if you want to build that next generation and a culture that will last – think of what Roosh is trying to build – your excess pleasures, desires, and frivolous hobbies will have to take a back seat. It becomes less about what makes you happy and more about what is necessary for the success of your family. I’m selfish and I’ll admit it, a hard RP to swallow is that what makes me happy isn’t necessarily going to make my wife happy or even my children. (Have another one on the way in that department.) Basically, we mature as men because we must.
Some men might take it as the nail in their coffins of their prior lives, but it simply means that a transition is taking place. What I’m realizing now is that if you want a family, a legacy, love, growing old together, and many of the usual romantic dreams, much of your bachelor self will shed it’s skin permanently. So in order to get your new skin, you have to shed the old.
I no longer have as much time for video games and my usual pleasures of flesh. Instead, I often limit them to an hour a day at most so I can focus on spending time with my wife – who needs my attention and help even more so being that I knocked her up again. Remember, marriage is a different adventure and the skills needed are far different from the arsenal of most players. Finding that key balance becomes as valuable as gold and a key component into becoming that patriarch.
In a young marriage, your wife is needy – as is mine. When you decide to have your first kid, pregnancy adds another element to that. We hear alot about shit-tests but not alot about comfort tests. I recall a conversation with my wife when she was in tears about how I didn’t comfort her, wrap my arms around her, and tell her everything was going to be okay when our son was in the NICU for 3 weeks after he was born. She wanted me to hold her in my arms and not let her go. I was supposed to be strong, but while I thought I was, I didn’t pass that strength on to her.
Logically I thought that she already knew she had my support – and I was coming to be with her everyday in the evening when I got off work. (Remember how powerful and dominant a woman’s emotions are, especially after birth.) However, I didn’t verbally communicate my thoughts on how she was feeling and how everything was going to be fine. I probably wasn’t physically affectionate enough either and obviously we couldn’t bond and come together through sex in the weeks after birth. (You really do have to be on your game and making it an intrinsic part of yourself.)
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Men… we often have to learn how to love – both in how we show and how we do it. Love is what girls so desperately need, just as respect is something men need when it comes to marriage.
Now do you lose who you are? Everything that makes you… you?
Your family becomes you.
I as a man and father, and my wife as a woman and a mother, are now putting our feet on the next step up the stairs of life. It’s all happening very fast as is the excitement about it. About 3 months ago, we moved down to Missouri. I won’t say where, but I do like what I see down here. Housing is cheap – though so are wages.
(Luckily, I’ve got a job in which I can make a good amount of money. It’s a sale job, and I will essentially have to internalize game in a sales oriented manner. )
Arguably, it’s probably one of the most important skills a man can learn that he can apply to many other aspects of life. I never realized its application that many had waxed eloquently about until training for my current job. (Also, a quick pro-tip I’ve learned: He who complains the most gets the most. ) Furthermore, me and my wife are going to be moving into an apartment, which is will be our first place on our own with each other.
In order to start a community, you have to have a place of your own to do it. I’ve seriously considered trying to start an RVF tribe where I live. However, I’ll need to devote more time to conversing with the men of my area – specifically fathers. Even in my online reading, I find myself reading more of Dalrock, DeepStrength, FreeNortherner, and Davis Aurini. (Vox Day as well.)
I often want to help men who struggle with women out – as I see who I was in them. At the same time, I’m also realizing that men with families really do need other family men to come together to eat, drink, converse, and to sharpen each other’s lives. The conversation at the table really will differ then it did in our bachelor days. Behold, the next step in life.
A friend of mine has been struggling in the dating market – to put it simply. She wants a guy that is attracted to her, and she wants to share in that same reciprocity. We will call her Liz. A Facebook status about it went up.
(Disclosure: Liz had a crush on me for a long time. Her weight was the main reason I didn’t share the same feelings. You can’t force attraction. )
Now Liz isn’t exactly the most attractive girl, and the fact that she is overweight doesn’t make it any easier for her to improve this. Most of her friends posted things like, “Oh you are sooooo pretty,” and “Guys will and/or should like you for your personality.”
I decided to be more honest, though I made sure to cushion it, “It wouldn’t hurt to lose some weight.”
Sensible advice right? Weight loss is one of the most effective ways to make yourself more attractive, assuming you are overweight. Your 20s are a time when you should be making the most out of your looks – regardless of how limited they may be. It is when you are at your physical prime.
Getting to a normal healthy weight?
Damnable fat shaming, body hate social media heresy.
One response involved something like, “Those people are shallow anyway, they should like you for who you are, and they wouldn’t be worth it if they don’t like you now.”
That’s flattering and to some extent is true, but it doesn’t nullify the fact that the potential dating pool of nice guys who may be interested in Liz for her personality and who she is are far and few between. Then then throw in the percentage of “those” nice guys who Liz is actually attracted to and the prospects are rather grim.
It is in fact a comfortable lie, but it ignores a fundamental truth; People are shallow. I’m shallow. Even those people who are not are very unlikely to give her a chance to reveal her inner beauty.
Instead of telling Liz the truth like real friends would, they continue to lie and tell her things she knows isn’t true.
“When you do these things, you are letting your girlfriend wallow in her mediocrity. If you tell your friend that she looks good when she doesn’t, she isn’t going to make an effort to look better next time”
You can boost her ego, but that won’t help her situation get any better. It also won’t promote REAL confidence.
Liz’s situation isn’t unique. It’s far more common then we realize and it means that there is a large group of people all seeking romance, but doing it with what is essentially a paper bag on their heads when compared to the more in shape parts of the population.
Basically there is an abundance of overweight people who don’t want fellow overweight people, but the slimmer more attractive folks they see in TV shows and film. We all want a mate of the opposite sex who is more attractive then us. (Excluding the 5% or lower of “other” sexual attractions.)
Don’t believe me?
A Large Nation-Wide Problem
Obesity and curse of being overweight have struck our society hard. Romance – or at least the possibility of finding it – is made even more difficult for a rather large percentage of the population:
Percent of adults age 20 years and over who are obese: 35.1% (2011-2012)
Percent of adults age 20 years and over who are overweight, including obesity: 69.0% (2011-2012)
Let’s not pull punches. Being overweight and obesity has killed members on my dad’s side of the family because of things like heart disease, diabetes, and sleep apnea. Thing is they already know about this and about how bad it is, but it’s so hard for them to lose the weight and there is a rather scary reason for it.
If we are perfectly honest, if you were overweight as a kid, it’s much harder to lose weight as an adult than it would be if you at a normal weight as a kid.
“The number of fat cells a person has is determined by late adolescence; although overweight and obese children can lose weight, they do not lose the extra fat”
What can we do with inconvenient truth? Well, I could encourage her to “accept her body” and hope things get better. Natural confidence right? It won’t change the situation and it isn’t going to magically attract any “good-looking guys” to her, but it should make her feel happy and proud about her body.
According to the body and fat acceptance crowd at Identities.Mic it will.
“The intersectional issues of size, health and weight loss are far more complicated than we’ve been led to believe, and this lack of understanding has led to weight-based discrimination becoming a serious problem across the world. Widespread anti-fat prejudice typically stems from misconceptions about health, weight and body positivity, and negatively affects millions of people every day.
People are allowed to make their own decisions regarding their own bodies, but we need to start treating people of all sizes with respect.”
Somehow, I don’t see how this is going to help these overweight people find the storybook romance they so desperately seek instead of the in-game WOW partner we are encouraging them to quest with. Nor will it deal with the vicious health problems that will occur once you hit your 30s and later. Note some damage is irreversible, and when that becomes the kind of body power/acceptance doesn’t seem very “feminist” to me.
Now, your life doesn’t exactly stop when you are overweight – nor should it, but will you actually get the romance and love life you desire from the people you are attracted to? The crew at RandolphRiot definitely seem to think so.
“Fat Fashion is all about women feeling comfortable in their own bodies no matter how big they are! This form of feminism is helping women feel empowered by their own bodies no matter how small or big the woman might be, and I believe that is an amazing accomplishment. This gives me hope!”
Hope. It’s a big deal – for anyone. In fact without it, people have loss the will to live. It can motivate you, but is the self-backlash worse if you realize the hope is false and/or misplaced?
“…Do you think this form of feminism can lead to the elimination of the perfect body image?”
Because people are visual creatures, and because some kind of “preferrable” standard will always exist. We can eliminate all the current media driven standards on beauty and any words used to describe them, but culture will simply form new ones. Why?
People are shallow.
However, most people aren’t going to wade through the unattractive waters to see if anything desirable lies beneath. Liz won’t be given the chance. Perhaps those guys who don’t give her the chance aren’t worth it, but the guys who will? Chances are, she isn’t going to be attracted to any of them. I’ve seen it happen many times already. Is there still a chance for the magical and mystical quest that is Romance? Some fat-acceptance advocates on Psychology Today seem to think so:
“Love, sex and romance did not stop for close to a hundred million people! Let’s face it—we live in a culture that shames fat. An entire diet industry is built around that shame“
We also live in a culture that shame cigarette smokers, but I suppose that doesn’t count. Well, is it shameful to encourage people to be healthier?
“The message that is being delivered in great big heaping doses is pretty simple: if you lose the weight—you will find love, romance and sex. Thin equals happy and entitlement. Fat equals broken and not worthy. What they don’t tell you is that there are plenty of unhappy thin people too. Thin is simply not the magic bullet”
She actually is right, but it will greatly increase your chances. People might actually give you a second look on Tinder before they swipe. They might be more likely to help you out in the store – happens to me alot. Guys might actually look directly at you for a while before looking at your friends next to you.
Is this mean?
At this point in the social justice epidemic, I can’t be bothered to care anymore if I want to continue merely drawing breath; thanks Tumblr and feminist fat acceptance screeds. However, boosting their self-esteem by lying to them isn’t going to land them any more success in the dating market. It doesn’t mean that they should give up and stop trying, but things could be much easier.
In case you don’t know, I’m actually a hopeless romantic.
Deep down, I want everyone to find someone to live that idea Notebook life with – that includes social justice warriors and ardent radical feminists. I want them to experience love, romance, and that good old life that I myself desire.
Something else the manosphere has got wrong is its reaction to the fat acceptance movement and this whole “fat shaming” theory that is raging in the feminist blogosphere. I’m not shocked that overweight obese feminists want to abort beauty standards, “cultural norms” of what is attractive, and the ideal body weight. You would too if the men you were interested in were getting snagged by more attractive and fitter competition.
However, “Fat Shaming” isn’t the answer. If I’m brutally honest, I found ROK’s #fatshamingweek to be hysterical with some of their tweets. Yes, I still find dark morbid jokes that deal with obesity to be funny. (All or nothing when it comes to my take on comedy and what the limits are.)
As Mike has later realized, this does nothing to actually help, besides generating outrage, which it did very successfully. None of that however is going to convince people to lose weight. They already know they are overweight, and they know it is affecting them. The hope you can provide support to the people you value in continuing to help them lose weight, exercise, and even diet.
What Can You Do?
If you really care about someone, you present them the cold harsh truth, but you are supportive in how you do it. You are essentially giving a friendly critique, rather then a trolling criticism designed to make them feel more shitty.
Here’s a personal story that relates to my family:
My dad who was about 5 foot 7 inches and weighed over 360 pounds struggled to be able to do any exercise. He started to rapidly gain weight when he hit about 23 and the weight just kept adding up. Around 48, he started experiencing nausea, dizziness, feeling light-headed, and he was drinking an excess of water as he felt constantly thirsty. He was was exhausted and never felt rested; his sleep apnea made this even worse.
A similar weight, lack of exercise, and bad diet had killed my dad’s father at only 54. I was worried about his weight and so were my mom’s parents in particular.
What woke my dad up was finding out that he had the signs of type two diabetes. From this point, he did everything he could to try to improve and change his diet. He started to eat only whole foods, and avoided processed foods. When he ate meat, it was grass-fed. He would switch to actual raw milk.
Upon reading “Forks Over Knives” and doing a lot of his own research, he would become a Vegan for dietary reasons. Fast forward just about two years and my dad has lost over 120 pounds. He reversed the type 2 diabetes, has lower blood pressure than me, and has no signs of heart disease.
Just over a year into his Veganism, he started to be able to finally exercise, play floor hockey, and feel refreshed and full of energy. (Note, I’m not a Vegan.)
Thatsupport is key. Once you hit a certain threshold, it becomes VERY difficult to lose weight, like it was for my dad. Often people’s jobs actively hinder exercise and our American time centered culture usually entails to many people frequently eating terribly on the run.
Often, I see many people in the fat acceptance movement promote the same kinds of lifestyles that killed my Grandpa so early as something to be embraced. It is isn’t and it rather angers and disturbs me that the movement is lying to people in the way it is.
However, that won’t blind me from the fact that it really is hard to lose weight, my dad being the anecdotal evidence. My dad’s life didn’t come to a stop just because of his weight issues, but they were a profound barrier and hindrance to him living well, active, and actually enjoying each day.
People in the Fat Acceptance/Body Acceptance movement will stand by it, but sometimes it’s critics – myself included – overlook the efforts they put in to trying to live healthy lifestyle, being active, exercising, losing weight, and trying to get healthier. (Diet may be the easiest approach at first.) Instead of trashing them, we should be encouraging them.
Take for example a somewhat better known fat acceptance advocate by the name of Ragen Chastain who runs the advocacy site, “Dances With Fat”. While we may facetiously chuckle at the title, Ragen is on the frontlines fighting the fat fight – but doing at least some of it in a healthy way. She teaches a dance class, does some dancing herself, as well as from what I can tell some form of exercising.
She of course is a social justice advocate, member of the “fatosphere”, an ardent feminist, and she brings awareness to tumblrisms like, “Thin privilege,” in her fight against “cultural beauty norms”. It perturbs and saddens me. She lists more about her ideas:
As a plus-sized professional athlete, I practice Health at Every Size and as a human being I am an unwavering advocate for Size Acceptance – the civil rights truth that every body deserves respect and that the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are inalienable, not contingent on size, health, or dis/ability.
The civil rights truth that everyone deserves respect… Well, with ideological opponents, you often have to agree to disagree.
She also promotes health at every size. What exactly is that? Well according to her it is:
Accepting and respecting the diversity of body shapes and sizes
Recognizing that health and well-being are multi-dimensional and that they include physical, social, spiritual, occupational, emotional, and intellectual aspects
Promoting all aspects of health and well-being for people of all sizes
Promoting eating in a manner which balances individual nutritional needs, hunger, satiety, appetite, and pleasure
Promoting individually appropriate, enjoyable, life-enhancing physical activity,rather than exercise that is focused on a goal of weight loss
Well there is plenty there that I and others would point out is wrong, but instead let’s focus on what she said that she get’s right which I’ve underlined and bolded. At least she is trying to do better and get others who struggle with weight to engage in things like, “Life-enhancing activity.” In fact, she does actually have some decent diet and activity ideas worth checking out.
(She actually finished a 26 mile marathon in Seattle about two years ago. For her size and weight, that’s pretty damn impressive. I haven’t even attempted a marathon that long.)
Good for her.
Hopefully, she lives a well-fulfilled life and enjoys every moment of it to the max. I do however suspect that if she lost some weight, her beauty wouldn’t be as obscured. Like it or not, people are more respectful, are friendlier, and more partial to those they regard as beautiful.
Insisting that everyone is “beautiful” at every size isn’t going to magically make it so. Reducing the word so that it means essentially nothing won’t change that either. It will just be replaced by words like, “preference”.
That is the point.
If you want to widen your net to include more attractive dating partners, you will have to make an effort to do the same. This may be shallow, but it’s something that will never change – regardless of how many times social justice warriors insist that it just merely another cultural norm that must be eliminated.
Encourage your friends to widen their nets by losing weight. Yes, you can be happy and still be overweight, but you could be so much more.