Learning the Hard Lessons About Sex and Porn

Regretfully for the last 10 years, I watched plenty of porn which aided in my frequent and fervent masturbation each day. It gave all sorts of bizarre inclination and fetishes. Porn showed me how the bodies banged, loud wails, and how many holes could be stuffed at the same time, but not much else.

Easy access on any device, a quick jerk and release, and I was back to my video games, reading, or anything else I felt like at that moment.  Time was being used efficiently.  After watching some gangbang for the zillionth time, I clearly knew more about getting laid. All was well.  Was I lacking anything?

What was lacking is that I still didn’t know how to approach, talk, or much less make the moves on girls so any of that glorious fun looking sex would come my way.  Touching and stroking would apparently moisten things up if I got to that part where my fingers and lips were welcomed, but I wasn’t sure about the rest.  We saw the penetration, but not how a guy actually got a girl to desire that with him.

Your wife is right there, but this video…

When I finally bust from my virgin cage and began to actually have sex with in-the-flesh girls, I ran into moments where I couldn’t get or stay hard.  Instead of being as ravenous and filled with testosterone like King Kong, I would suddenly be unable to perform – something devastating for both parties involved.  Imagine the excitement of knowing you were gonna get some and the confidence blow when you go limp.

What was happening?

A recent phenomena in secular and Christian circles encourages teenagers and college students to wait till their late 20s to 30s to get married.  One must wait till they are financially stable, out of debt, and raking in the big bucks after finally establishing their career – which will never happen for most of us until we hit our late 30s if we are lucky.

During that time you better abstain from the sex, avoid that porn, and stop thinking about how you really want to be enjoying all that meaningless sex your friends are having while you wear your own kind of chastity belt having kissed dating goodbye.  You avoid that porn as much as possible, but the addiction begins – one that’s affecting many Christian men (and women).  In fact something like a third of visitors to porn sites are now women.

I was a product of this – though my dad encouraged me to get married to alleviate my desires.  Of course, I was picky, selfish, immature, and irresponsible.  I wasn’t looking for a wife just yet, but a “best friend”  and someone who wanted to mate frequently.

Supplementing my technical “virginity” with porn, I held on to that sacred virginity as long as possible so I could claim some moral high-ground. Eventually I said to hell with it and went on my journey of debauchery. I didn’t reject my faith, but I certainly wasn’t going to go to church and bother with guilt.

Perhaps I was lucky to experience the “player burnout” rather quickly and realize that I wanted to find a wife with which to raise a family – and have plenty of sex with of course – and devote my time less to pursuit and more to worthwhile activities.

 

Game And Beyond

I had to learn game. Friends gave me advice.  The internet gave me stories.  Podcasts, videos, forum boards, and all those misogynist sexist bastards shared the details of what women wanted and turned them on, rather then what they said they wanted.

Embracing my inner confident asshole, I never looked back. My conquests came through, and my confidence rose to levels of those lucky nerds who gets the girl in those vapid and misleading movies. In my nerdy days, those romantic happy endings were in a galaxy far far away of which I lacked access

Those problems I mentioned earlier however didn’t evaporate.  Lurking like a nagging and unscabbed wound, they poked at me.

I recall Davis Aurini mentioned on a stream how men with girlfriends or wives would often jerk off to porn instead of having sex with them. Their natural attraction toward the feminine body which should have given them rock hard boners was being subdued and withered.

These words stuck me, because what he described was exactly what I was doing – even when I hit my “prime”.  I supplemented actual sex with porn, often preferring the porn to any “real” girl. It was easy, took less effort, and was warping my mind and ability to be aroused by a REAL woman.

Guaranteed release, no effort.

When I met my wife, we had intense sexual attraction. Our secretive and risky adventures to have sex would give way for daily and comfortable sweat sessions once we got married. This has never stopped – yes we still have sex every day.

What also never stopped until recently was me using porn on the side.  While me and my wife had watched some together to get ideas, I would often watch it when she wasn’t around.  During her back to back pregnancies, it made her feel worse and worse as her body confidence took massive hits due to the natural weight gain of pregnancy.

In fact, at points I couldn’t get hard without watching porn before I had sex with her. As you can imagine, it made her feel like crap.  Furthermore, I was often only able to oblige her to sex twice a day because my drive had decreased from jerking off to porn during the other parts of the day.

Yes, you did read that right. Sex only twice a day on average instead of more because my wife’s sex drive is that high.  That’s how much she is attracted to me, loves me, and wants me.  I was letting her down.  Her great body that should have been driving me crazy was being ignored for people who meant nothing to me on the web.

Porn even made me lazy.  I wouldn’t do any at home workouts and my “desk job” managed to pack on an additional 30 pounds making me officially overweight for my height.  Still through all of this, my wife strongly desires me.

I’m lucky gentleman.  Yea my game is good as are my looks, but how many men can say the same in a similar situation? My wife is just that loyal and into me.

I could have very well permanently sabotaged my relationship and marriage to get that momentary high from watching and jerking to porn.

My wife deserves more. She deserves all the sex she can get from me, regardless if I’m feeling horny or not.  Porn only lowered my libido. It’s a dangerous drug that’s hard to give up.  Even still, I sometimes feel permanently altered from its affect when me and my wife go at it.

It’s a lesson I will teach my two sons. I encourage all of you to do the same and be careful – even using it as a stimulus for you and your wives.  Avoid it.  Your wife or girlfriend has a body that you should ravish.  Study hers and do exactly that.

Sometimes the old wisdom from those prudish puritan conservatives and I daresay insane raving feminists who disprove of porn for opposite reasons can be correct.  Plenty of studies tell us about the ill effects of porn on men and even on women who have developed addictions.  You just don’t take those effects seriously until it happens to you.

Six Things I’ve Learned as a Husband and Father

Six Lessons Early On As A Husband and Father

You Will Need A Support Network

I can’t understate how important this is -especially when your kids are infants and need a lot of time.  Many families often relocate to where they can get work.   What’s crucial is finding a job where you have family or close friends available that can give you a leg to stand on in hard times, but can help babysit when you and your girl – in my case wife – desperately needs a break.

One or two people wont be enough. People get busy – often when you really need them – and you will need a wide network to ensure it doesn’t happen to you.  They say it takes a village to raise a child, and when you have two boys that are 10 months and 4 days apart, that couldn’t be truer.  Your family, her family, friends, everyone.    People we know have bought us diapers, clothes, even carseats and strollers.  Without that help, I don’t know what we would have done.

You want to avoid daycare at all possible costs, but to make ends meet these days, often both parents will have to work. It’s essential you have family, friends and GRANDPARENTS nearby who can babysit and help out.  If you aren’t able to have one parent remain at home with your kids, your family and close friends are far more nurturing and key to your kids success later in their lives than a daycare will ever be.

Lots of babysitting needed there.

With three months left of our lease, our babysitting situation and inability to get the support we needed caused us to uproot and move back to Illinois and in with some close friends of ours.  Now, with my parents nearby, my mom can give us babysitting whenver we need it.  This has been essential to both me and my wife getting work and being able to pay off what’s left on our lease back in Missouri.

Again, if you don’t get support, taking care of your kids in their infancy will become an exhausting burden, rather than a blessing and your marriage will be strained as a result.  Me and my wife have had plenty of small fights over problems created by exhaustion and the lack of people to help us out.

The fact my mom will babysit at any point means that I can finally take my wife. We can go to the Warped Tour and see her bands. A night out at the drive-in theater becomes a reality, instead of a fond memory.  We can never forget what brought us together in the first place.

Swallow Your Pride

Alpha this, alpha that. If you are an “Alpha”, you should have some pride and confidence in yourself and the decisions you make for you family.  However, when you screw up, don’t let your pride get the better of you.  If you can’t keep a promise, plans blow up, or you legitimately end up causing your wife grief – apologize.  Own it.   You are a man.

I must admit, I’m a stubborn prideful bastard.   So when I’m wrong, it’s hard to admit it.  Your wife will respect you if you are willing to admit and own your mistakes.  Key here is that you apologize when you screw up – not just apologize for her mistakes or to make her feel better. Only apologize when you do something wrong so it’s significant when you do.

Admit when you are wrong.

Just do it.   This one of the rare times, “Man up” should be said.  If you want your wife to apologize for the mistakes she does – and not blame you for them, you will have to lead by example.  I absolutely suck at this, but lately I’ve been trying to own any actual mistakes I make.    When it comes to raising my sons, this will be key.   They will look at my example and see if I do what I preach.

Now this doesn’t mean that you should roll-over.  (My wife even admitted she’s glad I don’t do everything she says or wants.)  If you have to battle, pick your battles and stand your ground when needed.

Manage Your Time

It’s so easy to be lazy and not make use of your rare downtime. I get it, but when things are tight and time is of the essence, do something useful and productive.  I love my video games, but the demands and needs of young sons come first.   This means keeping on top of giving them baths, getting them fed, changing them, and watching my oldest as he scurries around trying to touch and grab everything. 14 months is indeed an active age.

For instance, I want my wife to be satisfied with cheap easy to make food – which she usually isn’t.  To make it easier, I’ll have to spice it up, do the small things, and actually learn more about cooking. ( I work from home.)   I’ll also need to do whatever cleaning and stuff needs to be done.

In fact, there was a faucet that had to be replaced.  I had to get some extensions for the water supply valves to reach the faucet ends, but I took forever to get around to it because I was lazy.   We needed that faucet ready to go. I finally did it, but far later than I should have.

Luckily with that SUPPORT NETWORK that I mentioned earlier, time is a bit easier to manage when they boys are being taken care of by my mom and I’m able to get whatever I need to done around the house that me and my wife are staying.

Me and my wife have sex every single day.  That’s no accident. We ENSURE we have the time – that and my wife demands it with her high drive.  No matter what happens that day, we MAKE time.   If you really value something, you can and will do the same without excuses.   This also means that I have to stop making excuses for not getting things done that I should.

Laugh, Love, Live

These are great slogans, but people are usually either too busy or self absorbed with life to actually participate in these.  A great support network will help enable you to actually live life.    The house me, my wife, and the boys currently live at is the home of my best friends parents who are like my second parents.  It’s very similar to living in a multi-generational house and the benefits are immense and tremendous.

We actually talk to each other over food.  Laughter, great stories, and that noise of “happiness” can be heard constantly.   We are never “Bored”, unlike so many people.  There’s always something going and someone to hang out with.  Great conversations occur. Often friends and grandparents are over. Board games, bonfires, barbecues outside are staples of our lives. Beer taste better when you are enjoying it with people you love.  Having a Wii with Mario Party and Brawl is suddenly a phenomenal thing.   We are our own Brady Bunch.

My best friend’s family had four kids and my best friend and his wife have a 3 month old son.  (I’d like to think we inspired them to get going) We are going through almost the same stage of life. The naive dream of me and my best friend hanging out with our wives and raising kids is actually happening.  I feel like I’m living my own version of Second Hand Lions.   It fills me with joy everyday and makes me look forward to waking every morning.

All this makes it easier to raise our two boys with the love, help, and input that my best friends family gives us. I’m constantly learning new things as a dad because of it and me and my wife fight MUCH less than when we lived on our own in Missouri.

One interesting realization is that there’s other people who can hear those fights, so we have to mediate our differences calmly and quickly.  It prevents arguments from blowing up into nasty fights and has allowed us to get needed space and conversation with others in the house to take our minds off it.

Regarding that love part; the daily sex that I mentioned earlier helps resolve those fights and constantly bond us together to overcome if either of us have had a bad day, her emotions are at a low, or just our libido is going crazy.  It also boosts her confidence in herself and her body – very necessary after having two kids back to back.

When my wife’s particularly cranky,  she’s mentioned how she has a stick up her ass and that she needs sex to get rid of it.  Sure enough, it works every time.  Never forget that little fact when you wonder why she’s mad at you for no reason and you can’t logic at all with her.

Do The Small Things

1. We can be great at having the big picture in mind, but it’s the small details and living of our daily lives that makes all of that happen.   It’s those small conversations, memories, and emotions that shape our futures.  It’s easy to let the days blend together until you can’t remember what you did last Thursday.

Do something small each day to make it different.  Tell you wife you appreciate what she does.  Make her a small gift, come up with a quick movie list, and tell her you have a surprise for her – just don’t tell her what it is to the last minute. Never let that spark of romance get lost in the gritty routine of life. Make a date night each week.

2. Plenty of fights me and my wife have gone through were often because she wasn’t feeling “loved”. Every time it comes up, I think to myself, “Seriously?”  Simple stuff like saying, “I love you” in the morning, a kiss when she wakes up, a sincere compliment here and there. If she’s looking really good during a moment of the day, TELL HER SO.  You’d think that she knows you already love her and think she’s beautiful, but she needs to be reminded of it.  She needs your validation and appreciation.

Go beyond her outward beauty and look to her as a whole. It’s easy to see what your spouse does wrong – especially during arguments, but you often forget to compliment and appreciate what she does right.  She needs to know everyday that she is making you happy and that she is worth it.  Appreciate your wife for the great mother that she is and that the effort she puts in everyday.

You can do it

So many men have become jaded and believe that marriage isn’t worth it and fear losing any kids they do have to divorce and eventual child support via a vicious ex.   The risks are there, but the rewards of choosing a life you want to live are there as well.

I don’t make much money.  Neither does my wife.  But with that support I keep shouting about, anything is possible. You don’t have to be financially “stable” – most of us won’t be for years to come – and in your late 30s till you can get married and even think about kids.   Against the current grain, I would advise getting married young and having kids.

It’s far easier to deal with the responsibilities of kids when you are young, then when you are in your 40s and your back is killing you. You also enjoy the wife of your youth in your prime when you are full of energy, hope, and that “spark” that seems to fade as people age.

That essential support network can let you live a life worth living.  Be your own man and if a family is what you desire, don’t look back.  Keep striving forward.  Even though I’m new at being a dad, my boys already have an advantage – they will grow up with a father who loves them, will lead by example, and will always be there.

 

 

 

Can Your Marriage Survive Pregnancy?

I had no choice. Get out of the apartment.  This is what female lawyers have advised when your wife is hitting you.  Usually my wife blocks off the door so I can’t leave, but this time I was quicker than her.

Running through the door and down the stairs, I called my mother-in law.  She called 911 for an ambulance. During the call she mentioned we had been physically fighting.  My wife had threatened suicide via pills, hit me in the face, and chucked her heavy purse at my face.  Just a bloody lip for me this time.

Moments after making the call, my wife sent me a text urging me to come quick. Something bad had happened.  Rushing back in, she was on the floor holding her stomach.  “What happened!?!?!” I asked her.

In haste to chase after me already being dizzy, she had run into the corner of a shelf. Yea, I know how that sounds, because when the cops showed up –  which they have to during “domestic dispute” calls, they asked her several times.    Often when women are abused, that is exactly what they would say.  “I fell down the stairs,”  or “I ran into the wall”, or “I hit my head on the bed post.” (I know a girl who alleged this.)

Except here she ran into a shelf.  Even though I was the victim here, it sure didn’t sound that way to onlookers.  Come several days later and some of my wife and mother in laws friends were asking her if she’s SURE she ran into a shelf.   Honestly, I would too.

Rumors will swell and I’m sure I’ll be portrayed as a very timid deer.  Oh well, me and my wife only have to last another 6 months here before we move back.  To be honest, it wears on me to always be the bad guy to people we know.  Online, I don’t care, but close to home it takes a heavy toll – especially considering I have no close friends or family around.

20170215_170904

When You Really Do Love Someone

So many marriages are dysfunctional in some manner, rather then harmonious fairy tales. You see couples mingling happily at parties with each other, but what’s lurking under that surface?  Everyone pretends life is FANTASTIC!!  To outward eyes, they aren’t just at Disney World, they are it.

Take perfect me.   While I and my wife are constantly intimate, it hasn’t staved off issues from  her past – one’s I was fully aware of.   It’s led to us literally biting, slapping, and even hitting each other – but more on that later.

Safe to say, a lot of things haven’t gone according to expectations for us – especially our move to our current place.  She thought she would have a specific job.  We didn’t expect another pregnancy so soon.   With both of us working for a bit,  saving some money up was expected.   Most certainly, we never expected to lay a hand on each other.

Welcome to pregnancy.

What I described earlier was just another day of joyous and stress free pregnancy – almost finally at the end.  My wife’s been pregnant for essentially two years with back-to-back boys.  Can we last through this? Surely if this is the worst, it can only get better?

Those romantics among us hope it can.   The harsh truth is a much more difficult question.   So much bullshit is spouted about what it should be, but no one talks about the behind-the-scenes dysfunction that most marriage suffer.

Most people won’t admit to because of their pride, reputation and what other people will think.  I suppose in the digital and social media age where haters are always looking for ways to malign you, it makes sense if you want to exist quietly and living your life happily.

Marriage is a loaded term today filled with gloried ideals and bitter stories from those around us.  Some people hate it ranging from MGTOWS to angry rad feminists who consider it evil and part of Patriarchal oppression.  Cool.  I can’t tell you how many twilight zone divorce stories I’ve heard, and “forgiveness” and encouragement to get married urges don’t follow.  I understand why.

Truth is that when your marriage hits lows – even those weekly ones – people don’t talk about how low because they are afraid of the judgment . I’ll bite the bullet and share the dirty violent details.

Before I was married, I swore that I would leave any women who hit me, assaulted me, etc.   Pride aside,  take enough hits from someone and you will hit back in some manner.

That always being in the back of my mind and what happens in domestic situations when the cops get called,  abusers aren’t worth my time.   Then again when you really love a women – especially if she’s your wife, leaving her to fend for herself isn’t an option.

Rolling With The Punches

You think you know your wife, but not until pregnancy do you know what festers beneath.  Pregnant women attacking their husbands with feminine graceful fists is a staple of time, because so many men and women I know laugh about it when I tell them.

I just never knew about it till now.  Turns out a lot of women didn’t know this rage and capacity for violence was in them until they were pregnant.  When you start to read various forum boards and sites dedicated to “mommies” and dealing with pregnancy, it starts to appear:

“I know I am not alone because one of my best friend’s DH told me he has been physically attacked in every one of his wife’s 3 pregnancies, and she is not a violent girl at all.”

When a women becomes pregnant, so much about her changes.  Obviously she gets a bit hungrier – hangry – as a I call it, as well as grump, frustrated, sometimes even jealous.  Raging hormones escalate everything to the max level of what it could be.

While we’ve had sex practically everyday – which still isn’t enough for my wife’s increased “Take off your clothes now” drive, the negatives always linger.  We’ve had fights escalate over the smallest things to the point of where we are screaming at each other.

The question becomes, how much do you really LOVE your wife? What are you willing to forgive?  Can you swallow your pride?  Note, we are still going strong as I write this.  Also, this is not about being a victim.  It’s about how to address this problem.

Swallowing that pride becomes VERY difficult when things become physical.  Many a time my wife has hit me, got on top of me pinning me to the bed or couch, started choking me, digging her nails into me, and even going for crotch kicks and punches.  Normally, Id toss her off.  However, with the pregnancy I can’t do that.

When she blocks me from leaving the house my standing in front of the door and or physically holding me back from leaving, I can’t just shove her into a wall.  Other men have told me how it happened to them, but I didn’t know how it felt until it happened to me.  Neither did I know that feeling of helplessness that envelops you completely.  You bounce between feeling bad for her to feeling outraged with her.

There have been moments I wanted to shove her head through the wall, just as she has wanted to do to me and they scream in your mind to obey your inner animal urges when the fights are physical.

My wife isn’t stupid, and when she’s in a rage, she uses this to her advantage.  Essentially she can rain down hell and there’s nothing I can do.  Unfortunately there’s been a few times where  I could deal with it no more.

Before I go further, some things have to be mentioned.  My wife was raped freshman year of college.  I didn’t actually believe her at first because of the amount of false accusations out there and the very loose definitions applied to “sexual assault” and “rape” by feminist types.

I knew I would have to deal with it, but it pours the rage, frustration, and anger into her at times when she is already stressed and her hormones are raging.  My wife is phenomenal women.   She’s strong, loving, and loves me without a shadow of a doubt and would do anything for me.

This comes back to her, but when she is seeing red, the violence overtakes her, almost like a bloodlust.   All logic is gone.  She is consumed.  Often I’m lucky, she’ll only throw things all over and against the walls.  (That includes her glasses, which shockingly haven’t broken yet, and older phone that did break, and numerous other objects.)

Sometimes I’m afraid that some of my cherished possessions – namely my desktop computer – might become a casualty.   If her seeing red is complete, she has before dumped out my coffee and even some whiskey because she knew it would irk me – especially as I often cant afford to replace the whiskey, let alone my desktop computer.   A very keen new style of warfare I must say in “break his shit”.

She’s also no pushover with the exertion of force. The punches hurt. In middle-school and highschool she was a bully and she beat up boys and girls.   Also, she always got away with it and she would tell me how she used to cry and shed some tears when questioned about her role.  Worked wonders avoiding trouble for her part in the beatings.

She knows how to reign down wrath.  I’ve had cuts, deep scratches, bloody lips, and bruises and swelling on my face.  I consider myself lucky. One of my wife’s friends shoved her husband down the stairs in a pregnancy influenced rage.  Suffice to say their marriage has been very bumpy since.

Now when her rage is done, she’s that sweet innocent and crying girl who doesn’t know why she’s hitting me and what’s happening to her.  Pregnancy indeed.  At that point, all I can do is hold her tight and swallow justified anger.

Later on I’ll lightly chide her for it and she’ll do her little girl pose saying, “I’m an innocent angel.”    She certainly can be and just like that, it’s like it never happened.  But then it does happen. Again.

So what do you do?  I’m not calling the police, because I love my wife and my son needs his mother as does this baby soon to come.  Essentially, there is no immediate penalty right now for hitting me.

Valentine's day Walmart aisle.

The Facebook Posts You Don’t See

When we were living with my inlaws, I can recall one time where we were fighting and it got physical. She ended up on top of me choking me – she doesn’t remember her choking me during this fight.  I was so mad I started choking her back.  If she was going to choke me, I was going to choke her back and let her see how it felt.    Her parents ended up walking in and seeing this and well, nothing’s ever been the same in terms of “abuse”.

I’m not a big manly guy. I’m five foot seven,  have boyish looks, and a good amount of people thought I was gay- to give you a picture.  My wife has been in more fights then I have and she knows how to throw a punch.

Many men are raised to never hit a woman.  I don’t ascribe to that.  If a girl throws a punch at me, she receive one in kind.   However, this is my wife, not some girl I barely know.

Even still I can recall snapping.   One fight, she kept hitting me to the point I saw red. She hit my leg hard and I snapped back and hit her leg shouting, “How do like it” as both anger and tears flowed from her.   This exchange went back and forth.

The attacks usually flow from my wife when (1) I’m not listening enough (2) I don’t let her talk.  Usually that means she is hearing and seeing red from the pregnancy hormones and if I don’t say she’s correct in some way,  I’m not “listening” and I’m going to be eating a punch.

To make it worse, she doesn’t let me leave.  She makes sure to block the door off making me feel like a caged animal.  Honestly even after our fights are over, it still bugs me.  (One time I had to jump off our balcony to evade being hit and to get out of the apartment.)

One time I definitely ended up being the aggressor.  Another fight and the previous day I had suffered some punches.   That night we were arguing and she threw a set of keys across the room which I thought had been intended for me.

I saw red and immediately tackled her to the bed and grabbed her hair and pulled on it hard.  A second later I five starred her back.  In her eyes, for the first time, I could see fear. My wife was actually afraid of me and to top it off, she IS PREGNANT.

It made me recoil in horror.  “What was happening to me?  While she has asked this question many a time to me, now I was asking it of myself.    I had never done anything like this before to a girl.   I had snapped and I was blaming her for it.

Worse off it concerned and troubled me.  I had a momentary experience of what all these feminist types want to insist we “Red-Pilled types are – abusive monsters rather then men who love women for who they are.   Obviously, they don’t care about my wife’s role, but still it shocked me.

Learning and Loving

Fun fact: When I’ve mentioned to people that my pregnant wife hits me frequently, people laugh about it.  When customers call in to where I work and ask me how I’m doing, I’ll remark something like, “I’m surviving pregnancy” and about how I’m dodging punches.

They laugh about it as if it’s pretty normal to dodge punches from you wife.   Gauge this reaction and I’m betting that this happens to a lot of other men, but society consider it normal.  If so, why the constant huff and haw about domestic violence?

In many ways, we do give pregnant woman a hell of a pass, but I suppose it’s part of the price for birthing not just my children, but the next generation.   Again, I will note that the “violence” part only has occurred during pregnancy and it’s not like an early scene from “Enough” where Jennifer Lopez is getting pummeled by her manipulative husband when they think of domestic violence.    (1) Honestly consider what we imagine when hear of “violence” in relationships (2) consider how many other couples report the same issues. (My wife’s Faecbook mommy group apparently has some aggressive mommies.)

Now normally when my wife hits me, she’ll tell me its my fault because I didn’t let her talk.  Classic abuser behavior is blaming the victim for why the abuse is happening.   When I’ve let her know that I’m angry about her “physical abuse”, she will retort she’s mad about my “emotional abuse”.

Right there you have the excuse and catalyst and it makes perfect sense to her. Even though my wife knows she is violent sometimes, it’s still likely I would go to jail – even if I’m keeled over bleeding because of the way the system works. (The Duluth Model)

Despite all of this that I’ve mentioned, we are in good shape as a couple. Valentines day for us was extra special.  You now know we have our flaws.   I’m just here to let you know that those of you out there in this kind of situation aren’t alone.

Now I know my wife really does love and is loyal to me. One single call , I could be carted off regardless of how many times she had hit me.  It’s a terrible imbalance of power, but nothing can be done about it.  Life isn’t fair.   She would never do this, but she has the power so to speak that makes marriage such a risky proposition for men.

You can never fully know your wife before marriage, but you can know what kind of women she is.   Loyalty, loyalty – and sex – are probably the most important things a girl can give you.  It can and will make the difference when life starts to hit hard – literally.

Persevere.

 

 

 

How To Endure Life’s Boredom, Beatings, and Jaded Outlook

“I’m Bored!”

Those dreaded useless words I hear uttered frequently by everyone ranging from my 14 year old cousin to my pot-head friends of yesteryear to my lovely lass wife.  Yes, she doesn’t want to watch Netflix or some other movie for yet ANOTHER night, but finances are tight as I’m the only one working for the man right now.

We aren’t just bored.  We go to bed expecting tomorrow to be exhausing, unfuffiling, and frustrating knowing nothing worthwhile will be accomplished. Stuck in a trance-like state, we’re going through the motions, even when lazy and lounging around.  Yes, we are tired from caring for an infant, and my pregnant again wife is always exhausted, but still it’s not supposed to be like this.

What’s missing?

An endurance in the fulfillment and contentment in what we’ve accomplished as a family – in a short time.  Our phones and Netflix are just a distraction in our attempt to relax and ignore reality for the moment because it’s too painful.  Idle hands really are the devils workshop. Of course there is some context.

I’m an asshole to myself and in my leadership role.   Hunkering  down each night in the living room to watch da Netflix and waste time informing myself via the news, twitter, and the blogosphere isn’t because I desperately desire it, but rather because money is tight and our infant son needs to be in his crib.  It’s a convenient and even truthful excuse

Even with it being a valid excuse, I KNOW I need to get us off TV at night time and toward something productive so we aren’t “bored”.   Between getting fat and gaining 20 damn pounds over these two pregnancies and working a sedentary call center gig,  I’m the fattest I’ve ever been.   Exercise, I need you.

Excuses Please

Yes, I should be taking us on fun adventures with plenty of walking that you see in da movies, but can we really take a 9 month old infant out on a stroll at 10 PM in 20 degree weather regardless of how well bundled up he is?

Take into account the meth addicts that seem to be prowling the streets and parks and the possible excitement we might encounter goes against our parental instincts.  When you become parents, you have to be far more responsible then you actually may want to be in your struggle against .   The delayed maturity that men in particular deal with hits hard and fast – or at least it should when you become a father.

We remain hunkered inside our bunker, trying to get our minds off life watching movies, still bored, and my wife still stressed though her pregnancy.  (A recipe ripe for producing arguments between couples.)

Ideally, I’d love to go out, grab some food, feel cool, splurge the cash, and not worry about spending money for once.  Showing off our 9 month old son to everyone at that establishment makes us feel like we’ve done – or rather made someone worthy of plenty of gazing.

True story, as every time we take him out, women drool and gush over how cute he is.  Yes, he is very cute.

However, when we go out, is it a useful investment of our time? Who are we hanging out with?  Will sharing time with them build us up?

Going out makes us feel like we are taking a break from our mundane lives living in a place we shouldn’t even be.  It’s why us millennial blow so much damn money on food when we should be saving it for that house that won’t be coming from a job that won’t we be getting because of our useless degrees.   Forgetting about life for that moment really is key.

For my pregnant wife, it takes some of the stress off.   Otherwise, it’s back to our dinky apartment where I will get yelled at for something all stemming back from boredom.  First we loved this apartment, as it was a place of our own.

Now it just reminds us of bad decisions, filthy and thieving neighbors, and all the food places around us which we shouldn’t spend money because we need to be responsible for once and save some of it.

Are They Really Down On Their Luck?

Hell, at least when we do blow dat money, it’s not on meth like much of the surrounding “homeless” population seems to do. In fact, these “homeless” folks often walk a mile down the road to their truck, throw that cardboard sign “Homeless and Hungry” into the back and drive on off.

I’m sure their plight is as bad as they want us to believe, but you’d think they’d make it obvious by dressing worse instead of like they just went shopping at the mall.  Panhandling is the way of the future.

Just the other day I was approached by some guy who asked me if I had change for the bus.  Immediately I was annoyed, irritated, and actually tired.    Where I’m from in Illinois, people beg for “change for the bus” all the damn time only to spend it on booze, cigs, drugs, or other fleeting pleasures.

Frankly, it pisses me off because unless I personally know them or someone I respect vouches for them, I can assume they are trying to shake me down like I’m some kind of hipster white costal elite type who is plagued by guilt and a trust fund who needs his good deed for the day.

Telling this guy I knew what he was up to, he still held frame.  So I decided to give him a 1$.  He then went straight into Walgreens to buy his bus ticket I’m sure.  Add getting that buck out of me to his wall of accomplishments.  What a waste of time.

Currently where I live, there is a horrible meth problem – one of the worst in the nation – as well as “homeless” people everywhere.  Sorting through the actual victims vs the pretenders makes me a jaded man.  I promise I’m going somewhere with this post.

Looking In A Cracked Mirror

However, it’s made do some soul searching.  Me and my wife have gotten food from the local church pantry here.  Did someone else need it more? Yes we have 100$ left in our bank account, but we did do frivolous spending prior.

Taking her out multiple times for dinner, buying her a maternity coat for the winter that actually fits, and getting us numerous other things at Walmart that while we could utilize, we didn’t absolutely need has got me thinking.

If I’m honest, I need to wonder if we are abusing the local safety nets – even slightly.  Yes, it’s just me working and I can barely pay all the bills sometimes.  Hell, we were down to 2$ in our bank account for about three days to get us through to pay day.

On the other hand, baby food is expensive, as is formula, clothes, etc.  Wages aren’t great and the cost of living still isn’t low enough to really save any money on one income with one infant and another on the way.   Is this all included in the thought process when charitable places don’t have a problem giving us food, aid, and help?

I’ve seen people with a far worse plight then my own;  families literally on the street outside my apartment complex.    I have a smart phone, wifi at my apartment, and we only have to pay the electric bill when it comes to utilities.  Sometimes I’ll even have around 150$ something left over after bills to get us through to the next check.   Our two door car is in good shape, and while small, it get’s us where we need to go with no car payment. Yes, it could be much worse.

The admirable American dream is still currently out of reach for me.  My wife is planning on getting a nursing gig here and seeing if they will pay for part of med school, but nothing is assured.

Our families have been very helpful.  My parents have bought us diapers, formula, and even shipped some non perishables to our house.   Our relatives have all given us some money. My wife’s grandmother who loves us dearly has sent plenty of cash our way when times have been dire.

Essentially, we are blessed.   We just keep forgetting because there is plenty of time on our hands stuck inside our apartment to ponder on what hasn’t gone our way yet.

So shouldn’t I render the same to the discarded rubbish on the street nearby?  I want to, but I’m not entirely sure who really needs help and who is just pretending.  Then again, that thought goes through my head – are we pretenders as well?

We aren’t standing out with signs, but we have gotten help.  Did people think we were worse off then we were? Surely, I hope we have not misled anyone.

Crawling Toward The Endzone

Even with self-reflection, it’s hard to be content and grateful for what we have because we aren’t anywhere close to reaching our goals and living our dreams.  Then again, even if we do, what then? Will we have a similar trance state of life, just with less worry, wondering what then shall we do?

Ease and relaxation are wonderful.  But they are not goals.  They are temporary, transitory conditions of the spirit.” – Quintus C

My wife isn’t thinking about how lucky we are to have a car – she’s thinking about how she’s pregnant again, unable to go to school and/or work, how finances are tight, and how much we miss our friends and family.  This in spite of how much we’ve actually accomplished this far together.  Why the sense of not just failed dreams, but of a lack of fulfillment in the one’s we have lived?

We need a mindset shift.  In a post about the struggles of life, Quintus Curtius  talks about the “Endzone” and about how we create goals for ourselves and yet still feel unaccomplished.

We must never allow ourselves to feel broken, defeated, debilitated, or beaten by life.  I will not allow this.  I will not permit this disease of defeatism in my life.  Will not.  Ever.”

Boredom and that trance like state spiral toward feelings of despair and failure before driving us toward any other kind of reality – Netflix for example – to take our minds off it instead of actually fixing it.  Eventually, it seeps through our diversion shields and breaks them.

When we falter toward the above,  boredom and distraction from it lead to that feeling of being beaten up by life lying down and reaching in vain for that fresh green endzone.

I’m not even in the endzone – I’m struggling within 80 yards of it, on my hands and knees dragging my burdens along.   But life is just that – a constant struggle to the day we die trying to arrive.   This is no cause for despondency and acceptance of vanity however.

Through the struggles in life is where we make and leave our mark.  Our character is refined in the furnaces of life and  reputations are forged.  Obstacles are overcome and foundations set. Stories are born and tales of your golden days are told to your grandchildren gathered around you.

You just can’t see it yet.

“But this does not mean that life is an endless sequence of gloom and doom, of conflict on top of conflict, signifying nothing.   No, far from it. It only means that life is for the living. Life is for the stout of heart. For the coeurs de leon.” – Quintus Curtius