When I Realized I Couldn’t Play Hard With The Girls

2nd Sucks Shirt Song A Day To Remember, playing, sports

“They said you were touching girl’s asses,” the school’s principle, Diane, who had called me in for my transgressions.  Luckily for me, she was a nice lady who was interested in at least hearing what this criminal had to say.

This was nonsense. I was just playing hard.  What the hell was she talking about?  We are playing sports together!

Reflecting On My Sins

In the end, I was blindsided and ended up fessing up to something I really hadn’t done, because I didn’t want to get in any more trouble.  It was as if I had come out on top, but my victory had been tossed away due to steroid use.

My persecutors were two girls in particular who were actually both 8th graders, who also had a hard on for me that wasn’t sexual in the slightest, but rather one in which they vindictively felt better by helping to bully a kid like me who was already somewhat of an “outcast”.   I knew it was them, but what could I do?  It would be one of the first times I realized girls fought behind your back with words, unlike boys who would fight with fists before your eyes.

I hadn’t touched their asses as much as I had bumped into them or their boobs trying to catch the football before they did when we jumped in to the air. They wanted to play with us, afterall.  I figured that if the girls wanted to play with the rest of us boys, we of course shouldn’t treat them any differently.    I was very competitive and to quote A Day To Remember, “2nd Sucks,”  and letting the girls who were also playing with us get the ball instead of me felt like a violation of what every boy usually wants when it comes to a competition; to win.  In order to do that, I had to play hard. 

Boy, was I wrong.

 

2nd Sucks Shirt Song A Day To Remember, playing, sports
2nd does suck, and no competitive young guy wants to come in second.

It didn’t even matter that I wasn’t really attracted to fine bootys, and still am not till this day.  I remember explaining my situation to another classmate who related how he got in trouble for the same thing – though I don’t know if it was intentional, but now I suspect it wasn’t.  Apparently I got off easier as I was becoming a charmer even at 12.

I was a spunky somewhat nerdy 6th grader, who liked to play hard.   Yes, I was still a geeky booky nerd who enjoyed board & table top games along with PC games, but I liked to tumble, so to speak, and I was desperate to prove my capabilities to the rest of my classmates who still viewed my poorly groomed self as someone to be made fun of.  Recess was my favorite part of school usually, and I looked forward to it as a way to finally get out of my seat and prove myself on the playground.

Soccer was very popular at my school, and we all played it.  I knew that proving myself on the field during recess and lunch time would at least give me some measure of respect in the eyes of my “bully” who the soccer god at school and whose words shaped opinions on just about everything. It was one of my first exercises in masculinity – proving my worth.

This included the girls, some of them who were pretty damn good.  At first, I would slide tackle them as I would anyone else, however when I did, I always received some kind of scorn if one of them got “hurt” during the tackle.   Even if I was treating girls equally in how I played and competed with them, I was still “bad”, if they got hurt in the process.  The “protector” instinct manifested itself with the rest of my male classmates and those who violated it – even in an unknown demonstration of “equality” on the playground – would know about it.

I can recall another time when another female teacher – she was a good lady – pulled me aside off the field after several of the girls playing along with us complained I was playing too hard and was acting “crazy” in my desire to win the ball back.   She told me something along the lines of how she understand how I played hard, but the girls didn’t.   Imagine me in a similar situation in the present day.

Now that I think about it, if I was now in sixth grade in a public school, I could have been accused of sexual harassment for my rough play.  It didn’t even cross my mind at the time, but considering how hostile public schools now are to young males,  I could have been railroaded because the teachers would have already assumed I was inappropriately touching female classmates during physical play at recess.  Even more unfortunate is that with teachers and staff being 90% female, they might not understand the rough play isn’t sexual in nature, even if they have sons, because it is the age in which boys often have just hit puberty.

Even if they do realize the above and choose not to play with the girls, they can still get in trouble for excluding the girls, specifically if some demand to play with them.  Of course the boys shouldn’t have to worry about the risks of accidentally touching or brushing up against them the wrong way, and should be happy to use the time as a reason to connect with those girls later and get to know them better.   (At least that’s what I tried to do at the age because most girls didn’t like drawing pictures of Sonic , playing Tony’ Hawks Pro Skater 2, or nerding out to tabletop games.)

Fast-Forward

Occasionally, I’ll play floor hockey that’s technically “co-ed” on Sunday nights and I’ve noticed I’m afraid to play hard against any girls – the ones who actually show up – for fear that if they get hurt, I’ll be looked at like some form of Hitler.

Some co-ed sport activities aren’t a bad time, but if you want to unleash your inner competitive animal, it won’t happen when your afraid of accidentally hurting someone else’s wife or girl in front of the entire gym.   The guys only floor hockey I played in a few times on Thursday’s demonstrated the satisfying feeling of not having to worry about holding back, so much so in fact, that there’s almost been a few fights with the smell of sweat rank in the air.

I feel bad for young boys today who want to play hard with their female classmates, but when they do, realize that there are unexpected consequences for embracing the “equality message” preached in schools, which wont be an acceptable defense when they end up brushing up against the ass of the wrong high-school queen who might exact vengeance through both white knights and school staff on the lookout for sexual harassment.

Note I went to a private Christian school for 6th grade, with well-meaning staff and teachers.

Inspiration from 2nd sucks comes from this song, which I will admit, moshing to anytime it’s played live.

 

We Are Terrified of Actual Romance

That empty seat besides you in your heart…

The Desire For Romance

They say that you aren’t ready to be with someone else if you haven’t fixed your own problems.   Well, with that conclusion, it seems no one is ready to date or find a relationship. In fact, it sounds more like an excuse because we refuse to face the fact that we are terrified of actual romance – or the possibility and potential of it.

How many people these days do you know have relationships that never last more than a few months? Or when things get serious, they scamper away?  Commitment these days is a dirty and scary word.   Many will tell you that you don’t want to be first in vocalizing your desire for commitment.  It all becomes a series of games between men and women.

In your 20s, you are supposed to play the field.   We are told there is always more fish in the sea. That’s true.   But here’s a sobering thought: What if you missed that one special person – that love of your life?  An abundance mentality is key for confidence and avoiding loneliness and depression, but what if you end up “nexting” of the one women who was the love of your life?

75% of married people, according to the Inquisitr,  report “settling” as they have lost their chance at true love.  Yea, that’s depressing.  In fact 46% of those people would leave their relationship for their true love.   That says something about the power of love.

My generation – millennials – seemingly have a terrifying fear of missing out.  We want to remain single, available, and in the mode of continued experimentation – yet we fear a potential future of remaining single. It’s a disturbing catch-22 filled with cognitive dissonance.  We “settle”, but we don’t fall in love.  Again, I suggest that some of us may have missed out.

The vicious truth of today’s consumer and materialistic society is that everyone is focused on their career above all else.  When push comes to shove, most people will gladly sacrifice their romance for a future that’s not even guaranteed.   Men and women are fed the lie that you don’t need someone else – a lie that flies in the face of all of human history and biology. This thinking is willfully promoted by feminism in that women don’t need a man and in reverse by the some in the manosphere that men don’t need women.   I call BS.  As FreeNortherner points out,

“However much some feminists and some MGTOWs rage against it, men and women want to be together with each other. They want to love and be loved.”

We want to be loved, needed, desired, and sought after.  The consistent denial of this is leading to people with unhappy lives, scores of people on depression, and every medical condition under the sun that’s popped up in the last two decades.

Romance Or A Career?

I for one will always choose my relationships over a career.   Now this doesn’t mean one should let themselves go completely, be lazy, ect.  Simply realize that life is short and you want to enjoy it the best you can with someone you care about and love.

I believe there are more people with these thoughts out there, but they are becoming rarer as our society degrades into a smartphone and social media obsessed cespool of vanity, jealous, and envy.   Often we don’t actually want romance – we want material things which we think will lead to it.

1. Love is a spark of physical, psychological, and emotional intimacy.   It’s so intense, that it scares people.  The uncomfortable truth is that relationships take work.  Perhaps love is where you throw everything aside for that special person.  There isn’t exactly a backup plan – another scary thought in today’s often shallow relationships, but it’s crossed my mind.

2. Relationships are work – and anything that takes work is a potential hazard that can bog us down in our quest to experience life.   Yes, we may be experiencing life, but are we actually experiencing any of the romance that we so keenly and subconsciously desire?

Ultimately, people want other people who have something going for them and this is often reflected in career, fame, friends, family, and a bright future.  You sometimes just hope that you may experience a bright future with someone who doesn’t care about how much money you bring to the table.  As Alice from the Honeymooners said to Ralph before she married him, “Ralph, I’d be happy to live in a tent with you.”

It shocks me how many people I’ve met who are dirt poor, yet are happy as can be with each other.   They don’t need anything else but the two of them.  Considering how short life is and how tomorrow isn’t guaranteed,  they may be on to something.

 

P.S. food for thought:

My Brutal Self-Reflection

I’m a fortunate son.

Self-reflection is often something we neglect – or perhaps I simply avoid. I’d like to give a shoutout to DCLlive for his post, “Don’t Lose Your Identity”, that got me reflecting honestly about where I am at in my own life after discovering the manosphere and principles of TRP.    If I am brutally honest, I feel like a pampered failure who has squandered his inheritance in a pig’s snout.

My pride hurts.  While other people I know might believe I’ve got it together, I know deep-down that I don’t.

Change is often something that must come directly from within.  Family, friends, and worldview can help prod me along, but ultimately I must have the drive and ambition to lead the charge within myself. Unfortunately, I really don’t.

I discovered the manosphere a bit over 6 months ago and it’s most certainly had an effect on my life.  I’ve gotten laid more, become much better at talking to girls, and  have gotten them coming to me – woman want me and that’s not an egocentric statement.

I’ve gained a better understanding of attaining the kind of relationship I want,  started to understand what becoming a man requires,  the importance of developing and improving myself, and making use of my time – thanks to being introduced to “Minimalism” through Captain Capitalism and one of his books, “Enjoy The Decline.”   Things are looking up.   They also are bugging me though.

The more and more I think about it, I realize I’ve wasted alot of the time of my early 20s.   I managed to get out on my own for a year and rent an apartment with my friends. Even though it was a mistake, I learned a lot.  I then took a few years off school, but didn’t do much besides work.

I’m one of those lucky individuals who has free tuition because my father works at the school. (I have no debt.)  That being said, I still have squandered the time, barely made an attempt to get anything more than passing grades, and essentially have been fooling around while living in my parents basement.  Even the time I dedicate to homework I waste playing games, watching movies, ect.

I can pick the time and days I work because of my job at my school and I can literally work it around my class schedule.   Even then, I choose not to work nearly as much as I should.   I essentially have no bills, besides a phone bill and gas as my Dad has been covering my car insurance and even currently the phone bill.

How’s that for independence?

It scares me.   I don’t want to be one of those losers going into their 30s who really is still dependent on their parents.

Even when I graduate from college, which appears to be the next semester, I’ll have turned 27 in October.  I don’t even know what I will do with my degree, besides be happy that it was free.  I am already ashamed of the fact it will have taken me that long to graduate, besides the fact that I’ve been able to take alot of non-related degree classes allowing me to really enjoy my college experience.

Even most of my family makes comments about how long it has taken me and my uncle asks me what I plan to do when I get done with it all.  I honestly don’t have a good answer to give him. This also scares me.  What am I actually going to do for a career? I’m still not sure at this point.

I know I should acquire as many skills as I can at this point, but I can’t motivate myself to form any kind of ambition, despite things being handed to me on a plate.    I’ve actually attempted to learn some internet coding languages, but I can’t seem to force myself past the initial steps.  This even occurs when I try to learn basic video editing – I get too lazy to bother following through.

How can I actually allow myself to blow this kind of opportunity?

I barely bother to apply myself with my homework, and as I type this, I’m mightily behind in a Spanish class this semester I’ve barely applied myself to – despite actually wanting to learn Spanish.

Being brutally honest with myself, I’ve come to this conclusion: I’ve become a nasty internet cliche of everything I don’t want to be.

I need to get my shit together.  Change starts from within.  I want to become a real man with real responsibility – actually becoming mature. Can I motivate myself to do that? I hope to God that I can.

It’s time for me to develop a motivation mindset.

Improving Your Situation Always Starts With You.

On my WP feed, an important post was made on a blog I follow called , “A Holistic Journey“. The blogger, alohaleya, recently wrote a post, My Fiction Put Me In Debt, in which she talks about the effects of resentment in her life toward her father as well as feeling shame for holding others responsible.

What specifically caught my attention was the following:

“I’m the one who’s chosen to interpret my life events as I have. I’m the one who’s assigned deep meaning to old memories…and this meaning no longer serves. For years, I viewed my dad in a certain way because I’d trained myself to see only what supported my stories.

Often we get stuck in this kind of rut that resembles our own personal bubble which we alone shape.  We end up forming a narrative that specifically is based off what we allow ourselves to focus on.  This isn’t something to be judged for as much as its just a fact of life for every individual.  What alohaleya did here is to recognize it. The sooner we recognize this, the sooner we can actually attempt to take control of our lives.

“But I am ashamed of how I’ve held others responsible for the situations I’ve created. I’m now seeing the power I have to choose and to create differently.”

For those of us willing to admit it, we have all gone through this.  I have realized something however; it’s important to take responsibility for the situations we are in, because even if we can lay the blame 100% squarely on the shoulders of someone else – even if they are completely fault – you are still in that nasty situation regardless of who is at blame.”

It doesn’t magically get better or go away, even if we feel better if someone else takes the “blame”.   Our society – particularly in America – teaches us to blame someone else and use that blame to appeal to others for help.  In other words, you are forced to depend on others to make your life better.  Will doing that actually improve the situation that you are in? (Not just financially, but your life in general?)

I find her post inspirational.  Life is short. Very short. I came across the story of Lauren Hill, a girl whose dream to play basketball, will ultimately be ended by her brain cancer which gives her only a few weeks to live.  Put yourself in a situation where you only have a few weeks to live. Would you hold on to the problems of the past? Or move on to the future?  Stay strong alohaleya and keep growing.

“To Move On, Is To Grow.”