My Brutal Self-Reflection

I’m a fortunate son.

Self-reflection is often something we neglect – or perhaps I simply avoid. I’d like to give a shoutout to DCLlive for his post, “Don’t Lose Your Identity”, that got me reflecting honestly about where I am at in my own life after discovering the manosphere and principles of TRP.    If I am brutally honest, I feel like a pampered failure who has squandered his inheritance in a pig’s snout.

My pride hurts.  While other people I know might believe I’ve got it together, I know deep-down that I don’t.

Change is often something that must come directly from within.  Family, friends, and worldview can help prod me along, but ultimately I must have the drive and ambition to lead the charge within myself. Unfortunately, I really don’t.

I discovered the manosphere a bit over 6 months ago and it’s most certainly had an effect on my life.  I’ve gotten laid more, become much better at talking to girls, and  have gotten them coming to me – woman want me and that’s not an egocentric statement.

I’ve gained a better understanding of attaining the kind of relationship I want,  started to understand what becoming a man requires,  the importance of developing and improving myself, and making use of my time – thanks to being introduced to “Minimalism” through Captain Capitalism and one of his books, “Enjoy The Decline.”   Things are looking up.   They also are bugging me though.

The more and more I think about it, I realize I’ve wasted alot of the time of my early 20s.   I managed to get out on my own for a year and rent an apartment with my friends. Even though it was a mistake, I learned a lot.  I then took a few years off school, but didn’t do much besides work.

I’m one of those lucky individuals who has free tuition because my father works at the school. (I have no debt.)  That being said, I still have squandered the time, barely made an attempt to get anything more than passing grades, and essentially have been fooling around while living in my parents basement.  Even the time I dedicate to homework I waste playing games, watching movies, ect.

I can pick the time and days I work because of my job at my school and I can literally work it around my class schedule.   Even then, I choose not to work nearly as much as I should.   I essentially have no bills, besides a phone bill and gas as my Dad has been covering my car insurance and even currently the phone bill.

How’s that for independence?

It scares me.   I don’t want to be one of those losers going into their 30s who really is still dependent on their parents.

Even when I graduate from college, which appears to be the next semester, I’ll have turned 27 in October.  I don’t even know what I will do with my degree, besides be happy that it was free.  I am already ashamed of the fact it will have taken me that long to graduate, besides the fact that I’ve been able to take alot of non-related degree classes allowing me to really enjoy my college experience.

Even most of my family makes comments about how long it has taken me and my uncle asks me what I plan to do when I get done with it all.  I honestly don’t have a good answer to give him. This also scares me.  What am I actually going to do for a career? I’m still not sure at this point.

I know I should acquire as many skills as I can at this point, but I can’t motivate myself to form any kind of ambition, despite things being handed to me on a plate.    I’ve actually attempted to learn some internet coding languages, but I can’t seem to force myself past the initial steps.  This even occurs when I try to learn basic video editing – I get too lazy to bother following through.

How can I actually allow myself to blow this kind of opportunity?

I barely bother to apply myself with my homework, and as I type this, I’m mightily behind in a Spanish class this semester I’ve barely applied myself to – despite actually wanting to learn Spanish.

Being brutally honest with myself, I’ve come to this conclusion: I’ve become a nasty internet cliche of everything I don’t want to be.

I need to get my shit together.  Change starts from within.  I want to become a real man with real responsibility – actually becoming mature. Can I motivate myself to do that? I hope to God that I can.

It’s time for me to develop a motivation mindset.

9 Replies to “My Brutal Self-Reflection”

  1. “While other people I know might believe I’ve got it together, I know deep-down that I don’t.”

    I was walking around thinking like that, very recently, because I found it hard to generate validation from within myself.

    Now anytime I’ve got negative thoughts about, for example, how I don’t deserve something, I actually catch myself mid-thought and start thinking about all the good things about me. Like the young people (clients) that I’m making a difference in their lives with, the friends that make an effort to contact me and the support I get from people I know and like-minded individuals like yourself.

    “I can pick the time and days I work because of my job at my school and I can literally work it around my class schedule. Even then, I choose not to work nearly as much as I should. I essentially have no bills, besides a phone bill and gas as my Dad has been covering my car insurance and even currently the phone bill.”

    Although not everything is paid for, that is similar to my situation.

    Let me tell you something that has helped me with regards to feeling ashamed for when people (like my parents) help me out: You should never feel bad for being born in to the family and culture that you grew up in. It wasn’t your choice. It’s nobody’s choice.

    Uncle Phil from “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air” said, “People gave me opportunities and opened doors for me, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man to walk through them.”

    Everybody needs help at one point or another.

    Sometimes when I get some cash or something nice to put in my apartment from my parents, I feel guilty. Why? Because I’ve got this feeling and thought process that, ‘I don’t deserve it’ (I’m working on it). That’s just bullshit.

    On numerous occasions my dad and mom have said, “What’s the big deal just take it?” They’ve worked hard to provide for their children. I shouldn’t feel bad for them doing that.

    But they also don’t/haven’t handed everything to me on a platter. I’ve been working since I was fourteen.

    Guys like us were/are given opportunities that others aren’t. But we shouldn’t feel bad about that. We just have to make the best of them. And maybe even share our ups and downs and what we did to grow, learn and move on.

    I enjoyed reading your post.-d

    1. “Guys like us were/are given opportunities that others aren’t. But we shouldn’t feel bad about that. We just have to make the best of them. And maybe even share our ups and downs and what we did to grow, learn and move on.”

      Valid point.

      Making the best of the opportunities we have is what helps us grow. That said, I often find myself lacking the motivation to do just that. It’s almost bizarre.

      Any thoughts on how you have been able to motivate yourself to make use of your opportunities?

      1. I’ll be honest, I don’t know a lot about motivation.

        When it comes to working I absolutely love kicking ass and doing my best. Looking back after a hard days work, whether that’s cutting the grass, cooking food for other people or helping others and getting validation from that. Which is good.

        But when it comes to life changes, and the motivation required to make those changes, I couldn’t find it on my own.

        Almost a year ago, just before the blog, I went through some shitty stuff – an sti, the resulting ‘break up’, a go nowhere job and a stomach condition – blah blah blah, everybody’s got something.

        What I mean is, unfortunately those shitty things had to happen to get me to realize I didn’t like where my life was heading.

        shitty situation = my motivation

        That’s the best way I can explain it.

        But to try and answer your question, “Any thoughts on how you have been able to motivate yourself to make use of your opportunities?”

        To me, once you make that first ‘gain’, whatever that manifests itself as – for example, perhaps in your case it could be graduating before you’re thirty, basking in the memories of an ‘enjoyable college experience’ or the fact that you’ve enjoyed ‘women coming to you’ – it can start snowballing into other areas of your life.

        You can then feel good about yourself.

        No one is really ever ‘self improved’ completely. Self improvement is an ongoing process. That is something I’ve had to learn and teach myself.

        Not sure if that quite answers your question, let me know.

      2. Speaking of “making use of your opportunities”

        Just over two years ago I, while I was only working at the pub, an old good friend of mine asked me if I wanted to help him work in his new Youth Gym. I said hell yes. It was something different.

        The first client I got there eventually became my first personal support work client. His mom suggested psw.

        I was so happy to be doing something different that I made sure I was early for every meeting, looked the best I could, ate the best I could so I could feel the best I could.

        Now I’ve got a new job, possible new career and I did it before I hit thirty, which is something I’m very proud of myself for doing.

        Writing that, just now, made me feel good. I don’t tell myself that I’m proud enough.

        Anyways, I took advantage of that opportunity that my friend gave me. Because I made an effort to keep in contact with him over the years, it ended up propelling me towards a field of interest I can actually see a future for myself in.

  2. Just out of curiosity, is there anything you wish your folks would have done to have helped you develop the motivation you’re hoping to attain? If you could go back fifteen years, would you change anything?
    And just as an aside, I think putting your thoughts down on “paper” is a necessary start, and you’ve done that here. Looking at your life and the choices you make when it’s in ink can be somewhat motivating itself when you’re unhappy with what you see.

    1. One thing that I’ve lacked in my life is self-discipline. It was something my parent’s didn’t address as much when I was growing up, and in hindsight, it is something I’ve never really developed.

      It barely exists for when I HAVE to be somewhere such as a class, work, ect. Otherwise, my time management is awful.

      (My teachers always used to comment that I had problems with self-control.)

  3. You sound pretty self-aware, bud. Just keep on watching, you’ll see the pitch you’re looking for….and then, just make sure you crush that motherfucker.

    Just fyi, I felt similarly when I was at your age, in your spot. And now, today, my life is pretty good.

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